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HIRED ASSASSIN LEAGUE

BULLETIN #91 -- APRIL 2024

Card 1: Held in Staten Island (Attendance: 7,069)

SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume overpowered Stink Boy in 9 at 6:03 (Hammerlock) by 63.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane pinned "Burnout Boy" Bobby Baker in 9 at 0:24 (Hammerlock) by 128.
SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume bested Jimmy Roth in 6 at 2:17 (Palm Strike) by 80.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane defeated SOS/TWGWK: Allah Snackbar, Lord of the Snack Bar at 29:30 (RV is Toast) by 2.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane outmuscled Phil Dukes in 6 at 1:42 (Palm Strike) by 78.
COT: Shadow Machine bested EDGE: The Bishop at 29:40 (Shadowban) by 1.
COT: Shadow Machine and Order Machine* pinned CURE: "Under Contract" Anderson Silva* and "Under Contract" Georges St-Pierre at 18:55 (Spike Piledriver) by 6.
Main event: CURE: "Under Contract" BJ Penn bested COT: Super Ghost Machine at 35:22 (Boston Crab) by 11.

Card 2: Held in Malta (Attendance: 4,852)

EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane annihilated Stink Boy in 9 at 2:41 (Hammerlock) by 57.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane decked The Greater Cheese Grater in 6 at 6:36 (Palm Strike) by 72.
SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume over Steve Shields in 1 at 9:47 (Count Out).
SOS/TWGWK: Allah Snackbar, Lord of the Snack Bar destroyed COT: Super Ghost Machine at 27:33 (Bonk with Reesemart Skillet) by 5.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane overpowered Mike Taylor in 6 at 3:22 (Palm Strike) by 115.
West Coast title: CURE: "Under Contract" Anderson Silva overpowered COT: Mammoth Machine at 28:00 (Boston Crab) by 2.

COT: Shadow Machine and Order Machine* drew COT: Jurassic Machine* and Mammoth Machine (Time Limit).
Main event: SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume decked CURE: "Under Contract" BJ Penn in 9 at 37:07 (Hammerlock) by 7.

Card 3: Held in Fredericksburg (Attendance: 5,691)

EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane overpowered Stink Man in 10 at 0:52 (Turnbuckle Smash) by 114.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane annihilated "Clever" Cliff Cleaver at 2:27 (RV is Toast) by 128.
SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume bested Phil Dukes in 6 at 5:40 (Palm Strike) by 85.
EDGE: Andrew Dice Clay destroyed SOS/TWGWK: Allah Snackbar, Lord of the Snack Bar at 27:15 (Pimp Slap) by 3.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane annihilated Fred Brown in 6 at 0:27 (Palm Strike) by 132.
IMT/AR15: Elrodhausen defeated COT: Super Ghost Machine at 16:07 (Ching Chong Hausen) by 8.
COT: Jurassic Machine* and Mammoth Machine decked IMT/AR15: Elrodhausen* and Flatten the Curve at 24:09 (Prehistoric Eye Gouge) by 6.
Main event: SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume outmuscled EDGE: The Bishop at 58:25 (Smash with Reesemart Dinnerware) by 4.

Card 4: Held in Bucharest (Attendance: 5,050)

SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume annihilated Bob in 6 at 3:50 (Palm Strike) by 73.
SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume pinned Kevin "The Cardshark" Kings in 8 at 1:35 (Crescent Kick) by 112.
SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume decked Mike Taylor in 6 at 1:36 (Palm Strike) by 122.
IMT/AR15: We Are In This Together destroyed SOS/TWGWK: Allah Snackbar, Lord of the Snack Bar at 27:31 (Stay Home Save Lives) by 5.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane beat Duffy Wolfe in 6 at 0:35 (Palm Strike) by 102.
Rocky Mountains title: EDGE: The Bishop pinned IMT/AR15: Elrodhausen at 28:54 (DDT) by 1.

IMT/AR15: We Are In This Together, The New Normal, and Virtue Signaling Male Karen the 13th* won over Martin Dean*, Mike Taylor, and Fred Brown in 6 at 6:27 (Hammerlock) by 69.
Main event: SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume pinned IMT/AR15: We Are In This Together at 48:22 (Smash with Reesemart Dinnerware) by 3.

Card 5: Held in Cincinnati (Attendance: 7,384)

EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane beat Bob in 6 at 4:35 (Palm Strike) by 66.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane destroyed Kevin "The Cardshark" Kings in 8 at 2:25 (Shoulder Breaker) by 106.
SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume won over Fred Brown in 6 at 1:11 (Palm Strike) by 139.
SOS/TWGWK: Store Greeter Frank Friendly defeated Fred Brown in 6 at 2:12 (Palm Strike) by 136.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane decked Curt Gold in 6 at 3:45 (Palm Strike) by 86.
Southwest title: CURE: "Under Contract" Georges St-Pierre bested COT: Jurassic Machine at 29:07 (Atomic Leg Drop) by 2.

Main event: SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume bested EDGE: Andrew Dice Clay at 58:48 (Smash with Reesemart Dinnerware) by 5.

Card 6: Held in East Chicago (Attendance: 1,864)

EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane annihilated Wally Brick at 1:09 (RV is Toast) by 146.
SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume won over Frank's Friend Kyle in 6 at 3:49 (Palm Strike) by 75.
SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume defeated Duffy Wolfe in 6 at 3:40 (Palm Strike) by 109.
SOS/TWGWK: Store Greeter Frank Friendly over Outlaw Ben Slick in 1 at 7:00 (Count Out).
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane over Charlie Ford in 2 at 10:00 (Disqualification: used rope to choke).
COT: Jurassic Machine pinned COT: Super Ghost Machine at 22:12 (Jurassic Jawbuster) by 10.
Main event: SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume overpowered SOS/TWGWK: Store Greeter Frank Friendly at 48:32 (Smash with Reesemart Dinnerware) by 6.

Card 7: Held in Bahrain (Attendance: 8,173)

SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume outmuscled Martin Dean in 6 at 6:46 (Palm Strike) by 83.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane pinned Frank's Friend Kyle in 6 at 7:59 (Palm Strike) by 68.
SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume bested Curt Gold in 6 at 6:56 (Palm Strike) by 93.
SOS/TWGWK: Store Greeter Frank Friendly won over COT: Super Ghost Machine at 17:53 (Bear Hug) by 7.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane overpowered Dr. Blank in 6 at 4:17 (Palm Strike) by 108.
COT: Mammoth Machine won over COT: Super Ghost Machine at 15:35 (Mammoth Headbutt) by 10.
Main event: SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume destroyed EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane at 37:16 (Smash with Reesemart Dinnerware) by 6.

Card 8: Held in Huntsville (Attendance: 6,748)

SOS/TWGWK: Store Greeter Frank Friendly pinned Martin Dean in 6 at 4:07 (Palm Strike) by 80.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane bested Al the Hacksaw in 7 at 2:18 (Flying Dropkick) by 105.
SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume annihilated Charlie Ford in 6 at 2:44 (Palm Strike) by 111.
EDGE: Martin the Fly Brundle defeated SOS/TWGWK: Store Greeter Frank Friendly at 27:08 (Fly Trap) by 2.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane destroyed Tim McCormick in 6 at 5:06 (Palm Strike) by 93.
EDGE: Andrew Dice Clay bested COT: Super Ghost Machine at 19:27 (Pimp Slap) by 8.
Main event: SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume defeated IMT/AR15: Elrodhausen at 55:22 (Smash with Reesemart Dinnerware) by 5.

Card 9: Held in Brideshead (Attendance: 6,332)

EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane outmuscled Martin Dean in 6 at 2:43 (Palm Strike) by 76.
Pacific Northwest title: CURE: "Under Contract" Max Holloway defeated EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane at 29:28 (Boston Crab) by 2.

SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume annihilated Dr. Blank in 6 at 4:46 (Palm Strike) by 115.
EDGE: 976-EVIL destroyed SOS/TWGWK: Store Greeter Frank Friendly at 27:25 (Evil Calls) by 3.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane beat Dandy Davis in 6 at 6:31 (Palm Strike) by 90.
EDGE: 976-EVIL annihilated COT: Super Ghost Machine at 21:15 (Evil Calls) by 10.
Main event: SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume defeated CURE: Hammer at 40:55 (Smash with Reesemart Dinnerware) by 1.

Card 10: Held in Innsbruck (Attendance: 1,785)

COT: Super Ghost Machine destroyed Martin Dean in 6 at 4:58 (Palm Strike) by 84 (non-title).
EDGE: Robert the Mega Murderer Chambers bested COT: Super Ghost Machine at 13:14 (The Preppy Killer) by 11.
SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume defeated Tim McCormick in 6 at 1:24 (Palm Strike) by 100.
Northeast title: IMT/AR15: Virtue Signaling Male Karen the 13th bested SOS/TWGWK: Store Greeter Frank Friendly at 28:17 (Rules For Thee Not Me) by 4.

EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane annihilated Outlaw Ben Slick in 6 at 4:52 (Palm Strike) by 100.
IMT/AR15: We Are In This Together decked COT: Super Ghost Machine at 20:10 (Stay Home Save Lives) by 10.
Main event: SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume defeated COT: Jurassic Machine at 27:10 (Smash with Reesemart Dinnerware) by 3.

Card 11: Held in Cleveland (Attendance: 9,581)

SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume bested The Fishy Fisherman in 8 at 4:43 (Crescent Kick) by 121.
EDGE: Robert the Mega Murderer Chambers defeated EDGE: The Bishop at 29:52 (The Preppy Killer) by 2.
SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume bested Dandy Davis in 6 at 6:52 (Palm Strike) by 97.
SOS/TWGWK: Siena Savings, Official Spokeswoman beat COT: Super Ghost Machine at 19:58 (Smash with Reesemart Microphone) by 12.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane annihilated Professor Wrassle in 6 at 5:05 (Palm Strike) by 83.
TV title: CURE: Hammer annihilated COT: Super Ghost Machine at 12:20 (Atomic Leg Drop) by 12 (street fight).

Main event: SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume won over COT: Mammoth Machine at 31:46 (Smash with Reesemart Dinnerware) by 3.

Card 12: Held in Ottawa (Attendance: 4,186)

EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane outmuscled The Fishy Fisherman in 8 at 2:41 (Shoulder Breaker) by 115.
SOS/TWGWK: Deathmatch Danielle from HR pinned COT: Super Ghost Machine at 20:59 (Shatter with Reesemart Light Tube) by 9.
SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume over Outlaw Ben Slick in 1 at 3:56 (Count Out).
East Coast title: SOS/TWGWK: Siena Savings, Official Spokeswoman annihilated EDGE: The Bishop at 29:53 (Smash with Reesemart Microphone) by 3.

EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane outmuscled Henry O. in 6 at 2:54 (Palm Strike) by 114.
COT: Chaos Machine defeated COT: Super Ghost Machine at 29:44 (Chaos Theory) by 3.
Main event: SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume overpowered SOS/TWGWK: Deathmatch Danielle from HR at 27:05 (Smash with Reesemart Dinnerware) by 4.

Card 13: Held in Johannesburg (Attendance: 8,750)

EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane over Drake in 1 at 3:55 (Disqualification: used brass knuckles).
CURE: Hammer destroyed SOS/TWGWK: Deathmatch Danielle from HR at 27:33 (Atomic Leg Drop) by 3.
SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume pinned EDGE: Bloodsport Frank Dux at 18:34 (Smash with Reesemart Dinnerware) by 7.
CURE: "Under Contract" Quentin Jackson destroyed EDGE: Andrew Dice Clay at 29:55 (Boston Crab) by 3.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane destroyed COT: Super Ghost Machine at 21:50 (RV is Toast) by 7.
Mid-Atlantic title: IMT/AR15: The New Normal bested EDGE: Andrew Dice Clay at 29:03 (Follow Your Mandates) by 3.

Main event: SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume bested EDGE: Bloodsport Frank Dux at 47:09 (Smash with Reesemart Dinnerware) by 7.

Card 14: Held in Hammond (Attendance: 7,106)

EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane over Bruce Vanquish in 6 at 7:56 (Count Out).
IMT/AR15: Elrodhausen bested SOS/TWGWK: "Reese's Brother" Ronald Rutledge at 28:55 (Ching Chong Hausen) by 2.
SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume beat COT: Super Ghost Machine at 16:13 (Smash with Reesemart Dinnerware) by 13 (non-title).
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane overpowered Peter Lawler in 6 at 2:16 (Palm Strike) by 92.
EDGE: Bloodsport Frank Dux outmuscled COT: Super Ghost Machine at 19:23 (Boston Crab) by 6.
SOS/OMR: American Psycho bested He-Man Most Powerful Man in the Universe in 6 at 3:34 (Headbutt) by 71.
Main event: SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume decked EDGE: Robert the Mega Murderer Chambers at 32:44 (Smash with Reesemart Dinnerware) by 2.

Card 15: Held in Joliet (Attendance: 1,176)

EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane pinned Neil B. Formee in 6 at 6:08 (Palm Strike) by 58.
SOS/TWGWK: "Reese's Brother" Ronald Rutledge bested COT: Super Ghost Machine at 18:19 (Hit with Reesemart Chair) by 6.
SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume defeated COT: Order Machine at 29:54 (Smash with Reesemart Dinnerware) by 3.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane won over Jimmy Roth in 6 at 5:43 (Palm Strike) by 73.
The Apex Predator bested He-Man Most Powerful Man in the Universe at 7:21 (Cutter) by 49.
IMT/AR15: We Are In This Together decked EDGE: Martin the Fly Brundle at 27:31 (Stay Home Save Lives) by 1.
Main event: SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume outmuscled SOS/TWGWK: Siena Savings, Official Spokeswoman at 55:53 (Smash with Reesemart Dinnerware) by 1.

Card 16: Held in Destin (Attendance: 1,684)

SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume won over "Burnout Boy" Bobby Baker in 9 at 1:38 (Hammerlock) by 134.
SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume pinned Peter Lawler in 6 at 2:54 (Palm Strike) by 99.
SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume overpowered IMT/AR15: Flatten the Curve at 27:43 (Smash with Reesemart Dinnerware) by 1.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane pinned Steve Shields in 6 at 4:31 (Palm Strike) by 105.
IMT/AR15: The New Normal beat Flex Lewis in 6 at 4:32 (Crescent Kick) by 54.
IMT/AR15: Elrodhausen* and Flatten the Curve pinned Mike Taylor and Fred Brown* in 6 at 2:24 (Headbutt) by 112.
Main event: SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume outmuscled SOS/TWGWK: "Reese's Brother" Ronald Rutledge at 28:28 (Smash with Reesemart Dinnerware) by 7.

Battle Royal: Held in Madison (Attendance: 5,110)

The Apex Predator snatched $1,000 in imaginary money when EDGE: 976-EVIL threw him out.
COT: Shadow Machine and COT: Mammoth Machine pocketed $1,100 and $1,200, respectively, when COT: Order Machine threw both out.
SOS/TWGWK: Allah Snackbar, Lord of the Snack Bar received $1,300 when he was flipped out of the ring by EDGE: Martin the Fly Brundle.
EDGE: Bloodsport Frank Dux nabbed a cool $1,400 after getting thrown out of the ring by COT: Jurassic Machine.
EDGE: Martin the Fly Brundle grabbed $1,500 after CURE: Hammer threw him out.
SOS/TWGWK: "Reese's Brother" Ronald Rutledge made $1,600 after COT: Chaos Machine threw him onto the apron.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane got a quick $1,700 after he was tossed out by COT: Super Ghost Machine.
EDGE: 976-EVIL earned a cool $1,800 when CURE: Hammer threw him into his manager at ringside.
CURE: "Under Contract" BJ Penn pocketed $1,900 after getting thrown into his manager at ringside by COT: Jurassic Machine.
SOS/TWGWK: Store Greeter Frank Friendly was awarded a cool $2,000 when he got thrown into the audience by COT: Chaos Machine.
EDGE: Andrew Dice Clay snatched $2,100 when he was flung out by SOS/TWGWK: Deathmatch Danielle from HR.
EDGE: Robert the Mega Murderer Chambers collected $2,200 after COT: Jurassic Machine hurled him out of the ring.
COT: Super Ghost Machine collected $2,300 when he got thrown out by COT: Chaos Machine.
SOS/TWGWK: Deathmatch Danielle from HR collected $2,400 in imaginary money after SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume flung her out.
COT: Chaos Machine made $2,500 after getting hurled onto the steps by SOS/TWGWK: Siena Savings, Official Spokeswoman.
SOS/TWGWK: Siena Savings, Official Spokeswoman got $2,600 after COT: Jurassic Machine catapulted her onto the apron.
CURE: Hammer got a cool $2,700 after being catapulted out by COT: Order Machine.
SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume won $2,800 when he got hurled out by COT: Order Machine.
COT: Order Machine collected $2,900 in imaginary earnings after COT: Jurassic Machine flipped him over the top rope.
COT: Jurassic Machine was the winner of the battle royal and the $30,000 purse.

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