IWA REPORT
Vol. 19, No. 2 -- Winter 2014
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JOHNNY B SAYS

Starting next cycle, your wrestler's number of stars, current point flow, and previous strategy total will be used as additional tie-breakers in our league rankings system. The new progression will be as follows: activity status (active or inactive -- see next paragraph), having at least one win, number of wins over losses, total number of wins, number of stars, amount of imaginary money, number of ties, point flow, and strategy total from the previous cycle. We hope this will make things even more competitive for everyone!

Also beginning next cycle, each wrestler (brand new or otherwise) must initiate a one-on-one match to be considered active. Tag-team matches, six-man matches, and battle royal entries will not count toward activity. Inactive wrestlers cannot compete for major titles, so if you'd like to see your grappler's name in this document, don't forget to have him sign at least one singles match!

 

HALL OF FAME INDUCTEES -- engraved plaque

Paul C. Low of Maryland

Arik Von Umlaut (LWL) 1,069-317-70, $1,851,300 *11
Arik is the first wrestler to retire from the LWL.

David Mims III of North Carolina

IOD: David the Destroyer (HWL) 1,799-486-112, $3,302,900 *18
David the Destroyer speaks: "There comes a time when... I don't think so! I've been in the HWL for a long time. I've beaten the best, and retired those who claimed they were the best but couldn't live up to it. I'm the man who put COH on the map, and I am Mr. COH! I've held numerous titles, but my greatest achievement was being the HWL/COH's Triple Threat Champion -- the ONLY MAN to hold the HWL World, COH World, and ICW World Championships at the same time! I have nothing to prove to no one. My career speaks for itself! So with that said, I'm retiring while I'm still on top of my game. I would like to thank commissioner Mike Johnson for giving me the opportunity to do what I do best... win championships! Now it's time to relax and begin a new phase in my life. HWL/COH fans, thank you for your support all these years! To my wrestling family... your time is now!"

 

WORLD, U.S., KING OF THE RING

World Champion

Darkseid (TDL)
"The Game" from Parts Unknown; 501; $300,000 + 100 free matches or a real wrestling belt & 50 free matches

...We now resume programming, where the IWA World title is up for grabs in a "Hell in a Cell" match. Twenty-five minutes in, Alan Crash, Darkseid, and Hardrider I are the only ones left standing, and it quickly turns into a two-on-one as "The Big MoFo" protests on the other side. "The Game" notices that during the handicap match-up, "TBMF" is reaching into his pockets for something. Cool, calm, and collected, "The Game" slips behind him to get a better look at what it might be. It's a pair of brass knuckles! Mildly surprised that his "buddy" would try to stoop to this level to have one of his wrestlers win, "The Game" casually steps in front of "TBMF" before he can turn to throw the knuckles to his wrestler, and promptly punts "TBMF's" family jewels into the stratosphere. Like a California redwood, "TBMF" goes down with a silent scream etched across his face, the brass knuckles sliding across the arena floor. Stepping over the writhing form, "The Game" retrieves the knuckles and merely puts them into his pocket. Meanwhile, Darkseid and Alan Crash promptly dispatch Hardrider with a vicious spike piledriver. Alan Crash then kneels down and eliminates Hardrider with a one-finger pin. Darkseid takes advantage of the momentary distraction and superkicks Alan in the temple before he can stand up. A 3-count later, and Darkseid is the NEW IWA World Champion! Alan Crash, stunned by the defeat but happy that one of them won the belt, celebrates with Darkseid as the cell door opens up to allow their manager into the ring.

As Darkseid prepares to hand "The Game" his 4th IWA World title, a Vicki Guerrero-esque scream of protest is heard from another manager who runs down to ringside, "Baywatch" style. As this manager slides into the ring, he is easily recognized by "The Game" as the same LPPF manager whom he smashed in the head with an IWA World Six-man title belt back in June of '09. Wearing a shirt that reads, "I'm your 'Nightmare on ELM Street'!" on the back, and "Nothing but the FAX, please! Cheat-2-Win" on the front, he is immediately met with laughter by everyone in the ring, as well as outside the ring. The timekeeper, ring attendants, and fans all hoot and holler at the temper tantrum being thrown by this sad, jealous man. After about 2 minutes of his hysterics, "The Game" decides that enough is enough, and in a moment of deja vu, he smashes the screaming manager in the head with the World title, knocking him unconscious. A thunderous ovation ensues as he is roughly carried from the ring and out of the building by some burly security guards while "The Game" and his men celebrate World title win #4. As the crowd surprisingly cheers even louder, "The Game" holds up the World belt in one hand and 4 fingers up with the other hand. While doing so, he can't help but look down and notice his unused 5th finger, and a smirk breaks out across his face. As the programming fades to black, the last thing viewers see is "The Game" slapping on some "Beats by Dre" headphones, the song "The Man" by Aloe Blacc blaring into his ears as he departs ringside to cheers...

Epilogue: The former LPPF manager finds himself discarded in a dumpster outside the arena by the security guards like yesterday's trash. As he wallows in misery, a tall, gangly fellow wearing a suit that looks like it belonged to a 90-year-old mortician walks up to him and says, "Hey, buddy, you don't have to live in a dumpster. I've got a nice piece of property I could sell you in Vermont..."

At that point, the LPPF manager screams, "Why me?" before weeping uncontrollably...

U.S. Champion

Blackjack Robertson (IWL)
Ryan Patrick of Michigan; 501; $60,000 + a plaque or 25 free matches

King of the Ring

BLOOD: "The Mack Daddy" Malik Davis (NFL)
Anthony Dudick of New York; a plaque or 25 free matches; 274 KotR total; edged TSD: Essryneeth (PKL); hold positions were 1, 2, 6, 8, 9, 11, 12, 13; battle royal hold positions were 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 10, 14, 15

 

SPECIALTY TITLES -- $25,000 + 10 free matches

American Champion

EDGE: The Incomparable SJ Perfect (AWL)
"The Immortal" Shareef Johnson of New Jersey; 500

Asiatic Champion

EDGE: The Dressed Wombat (NDL)
Mike Dorsett of New York; manager retained title; 499; edged BLOOD: "The Arizona Ripper" Jacob Kell (MEL), EDGE: Masked Terror (NAL)

Hardcore Champion

Darkseid (TDL)
"The Game" from Parts Unknown; 501

Metropolitan Champion

EDGE/JERKSS: Ravishing Ric Jackson (LWL)
Erik Davis of Washington; 500; 10 free matches; edged SJ Perfect

 

FEDERATION PLAY-OFFS -- $40,000 + 25 free matches

Iron Federation Champion

MWC: "The Hot Shot" Tommy Hott (QPL)
Steven M. Shotliff of Minnesota; 499; edged BLOOD/RUNXT: Innovator of Arrogance Keith A. Maple (XPL)

Steel Federation Champion

EDGE: New Jack Terminator (IIL)
Garett Guzman of Nevada; 501

Gold Federation Champion

Darkseid (TDL)
"The Game" from Parts Unknown; 501; edged BURN: Dark Paladin Damon Black (CLL)

Diamond Federation Champion

BLOOD: Hardrider I (NFL)
Anthony Dudick of New York; manager retained title; 501

Bronze Federation Champion

Cold $tuff Alan Crash (MSL)
"The Game"; 499; edged BLOOD: "The Arizona Ripper" Jacob Kell (MEL)

Jade Federation Champion

EDGE/JERKSS: Ravishing Ric Jackson (LWL)
Erik Davis of Washington; 500

 

NATIONAL, IWA-WIDE REGIONALS -- $20,000

National Champion

EDGE: Shidoshi (SGL)
Garett Guzman of Nevada; 501; a plaque or 25 free matches; Atlantic region

Central Champion

Cyrus "The Virus" Grissom (NSL)
"The Game" from Parts Unknown; 501

Dixie Champion

Tiger Chung Lee (WWL)
"The Game"; 500; edged BLOOD: Travis "The Brick" Wahle (NAL), The Emperor (NFL), KDSN: Khloe's Boss Michael Yo (CLL)

Eastern Champion

EDGE: Tosswreck the Terrible (ABL)
Mike Dorsett of New York; 499; edged EDGE/JERKSS: The Enforcer Erik Davis (NAL)

Mountain Champion

BLOOD/VIRUS: HIV (WEL)
Frank Jay Belcher III of Michigan; 501

Northern Champion

BLOOD/VIRUS: Bacteria (WEL)
Frank Jay Belcher III; 501

Pacific Champion

EDGE: "The Phenom" SJ Perfect (FLL)
"The Immortal" Shareef Johnson of New Jersey; 501

Prairie Champion

RAR: Inalienable Rights (NDL)
Kevin Elrod of Ohio; 499; edged FOE: Quatro (AWL), BLOOD: The Lean Thinker (KKL), BLOOD: Deadly David Death (GRL), OMEGA: Black Tongue (LOL)

Southern Champion

KDSN: Kim's Friend Beyonce (TCL)
Matt Yunick of New York; 500; edged Castor Troy (NSL), MWC: Ooohhhwwweee (NAL)

Western Champion

EDGE: Black Predator (EPL)
Rich Schwartzenburg of Canada; 501

 

LADIES' TITLES

Ladies' World Champion

EDGE/JERKSS: Little Lady (LLL)
Erik Davis of Washington; 501; $40,000 + a plaque or 15 free matches

Ladies' U.S. Champion

Cleaning Lady
500; $20,000

Queen of the Ring

EDGE/JERKSS: Miss Nasty (MDL)
Erik Davis; 501; 272 QotR total

Ladies' National Champion

EDGE/JERKSS: It_Girl 1 (MDL)
Erik Davis; 501; edged Miss Nasty

Ladies' Tag-team Champions

EDGE/JERKSS: Soda Girl & Pop Girl (FFL)
Erik Davis; moved up from U.S. titles; manager retained titles; 516

Ladies' U.S. Tag-team Champions

INK: Kagney Linn Karter & Lacey Duvalle (LLL)
John Gabriel of Pennsylvania

World Six-woman Champions

BLOOD: "Ruthless" Rachel Rage, "Heartless" Heather Havoc, "Merciless" Mandy Mayhem (LLL)
Anthony Dudick of New York

U.S. Six-woman Champions

EDGE/JERKSS: Cleaning Lady, Snowflake Sarah, Rebel Sarah (LLL)
Erik Davis; retained titles

 

TAG-TEAM TITLES

World Tag-team Champions

BLOOD: "Hatchet-Face" Victor Crowley & "Captain Howdy" Carleton Hendricks (MEL)
BLOOD: Leroy "The Lunchbox" Brown & Travis "The Brick" Wahle (NAL)
Anthony Dudick of New York; share of $50,000 + 15 free matches

Top Contenders

3. EDGE: Chicken Malunggay & Lumpia Shanghai (KKL)

4. CTI: Stone Cold & Mr. Bronze (IGL)

5. Kidd Cash & Zur Pah Yah (MSL)

6. EDGE/JERKSS: Car & Truck (TCL)
EDGE: The Barbarian Barry & "Mr. TNT" Johnny Nitro (PRL)
EDGE: Tong Po & Chong Li (EEL)

9. CTI: "The Ace" Cliff Lee & The MVP Jimmy Rollins (PKL)
OMEGA: "Fed Too Much" Beef Zapada & OMEGA/TREE HOUSE: Gigantic Rubber Hose (HWL)

11. INK: Jerry the Butler & LOVE: Diamond Stud Warrior Buck Kidd (ECL)
last of the teams with 516

U.S. Tag-team Champions

EDGE/JERKSS: The Misfit & The Mystery Man (NAL)
Erik Davis of Washington; 516; $20,000; edged CTI: Crazy Snake & Iron Man (IGL), EDGE/JERKSS: Bret the Crippler Jackson & Washington's Best (NFL), BLOOD: "Sunset Slasher" Sam Slaughter & "Blood Junkie" Jason Overkill (MEL), EDGE: The Yellow Knight & The Crimson Knight (PRL), BLOOD/NYB: Billy Club Sandwich & Heaven Shall Burn (BTL), INK: KENTA "Ninja" Fuji & Pon "Samurai" Kahn (ECL)

 

SIX-MAN TITLES

World Six-man Champions

EDGE: Suicide Sam, Patriot Pat Buchanan, Loverboy Lou Dobbs (IGL)
Garett Guzman of Nevada; manager retained titles; share of $50,000 + 15 free matches

BLOOD/VIRUS: Grendall, Psychotic Clown, Ms. "Sweet-Cheeks" Sherbert (SAL)
Frank Jay Belcher III of Michigan; manager held titles 4 cycles in a row

BLOOD/MARAUDER: Bull Rope, Cow Skull, Hangman (RBL)
BLOOD: James "The Neckbreaker," Johnny "The Hefty Smallhead" Forlanini, Gizzy "The Razor" Ciccireno (NFL)
Anthony Dudick of New York

Classic: "Arrogant" Aaron Emery, Iron Mike Schultz, Mike Sargano (ESL)
Glenn Mazura of Virginia

CTI: "Wild Thing" Mitch Williams, Dangerous Danys Baez, The Pop Icon Mike Carver (CLL)
Mike Carver of Pennsylvania

MVP: The Number Plumber, The Argyle Gargoyle's Purple Majesty, "Big Business" Ed Edge (AOL)
Ben West of Georgia

INK/LOVE: Rico Antonia Banana, LOVE: Byron "Bring the Pain" Valentine, Butcher Ground N Pound Hearst (ECL)
John Gabriel of Pennsylvania (Banana) & "Sexbomb of Rock 'n' Roll" B.C. Empson of Virginia

Top Contenders

9. OMEGA: The Guy Who Beat Up Cee Lo Green, OMEGA/WRETCHED: The Harbinger, Umbra Deus (MML)
last of the teams with 521

10. EDGE/BBQ: Oklahoma Joe, Jack Stack, Arthur Bryant (NGL)
previous champions

U.S. Six-man Champions

EDGE: Monsieur Au Jus, Senor Huevos, El Mas Macho (IGL)
Garett Guzman; manager retained titles; share of $20,000

BLOOD: "Cocoa Leaf" Lorenzo, "Blunted" Bernardo, "Curl Nose" Carlos Youngblood (RBL)
BLOOD: "Hammer-Wielding Killer" Jeremy Beast, "Pig-Faced Killer" Robert Porkchop, "The Orphan Killer" Marcus Miller (MEL)
Anthony Dudick

BLOOD/VIRUS: Drunken Monkey, Ms. Sparkles, Wicked Clown (SAL)
Frank Jay Belcher III; 521; edged CTI: "The Chosen One" Mike Carver, Christian Skyline, The "Cowboy" Al Spinelli (CLL)

 

TOP 10 LEAGUES -- veteran leagues only

1. UWL (1,028 matches) 486.167

2. AWL (793 matches) 483.247

3. LWL (671 matches) 494.087
won the two matches for $1 cycle for having the highest average strategy total (counting only active wrestlers)

4. BRL (632 matches) 489.686

5. NAL (496 matches) 493.167

6. NBL (461 matches) 490.604

7. MML (440 matches) 491.064

8. XPL (422 matches) 485.232

9. IWL (403 matches) 491.435

10. NSL (371 matches) 490.731

 

TOP 20 STARS -- active wrestlers only

1. BLOOD: Wonderful Wally Brown (GRL) 104

2. BLOOD: Sinister Steve Stryker (PKL) 93

3. BLOOD: Sir Gunther Kinderwacht (BRL) 89

4. BLOOD: Diesel Duddick (NFL)
BLOOD/RUNXT: Innovator of Arrogance Keith A. Maple (XPL)
BLOOD: Medieval Tymes (NAL)
BLOOD: Nightmare Sam Hell (BRL) 85

8. BLOOD: Bloody Assault Jessica Lee Richards (LLL) 81

9. BLOOD: "The Big Mofo" Anthony Dudick (MEL)
BLOOD: Lord of Illusions (BRL)
EDGE/DT: Mike White Lightning Moore (QPL) 79

12. Steve "The Sandman" Sands (KKL) 76

13. EDGE: Ollis Rage (JDL) 75

14. Sammy Solar (SHL) 73

15. BLOOD: The Wyld Stooge (PKL) 72

16. BLOOD: Buda Von Blitzen (XPL)
EDGE: Mike White Lightning Moore (MML) 71

18. EDGE: Black Knight (IML)
Executioner (LBL)
EDGE: Warchild (EHL) 70

 

LIST OF LEAGUES

Iron Federation

Center Stage, Elite Action, Extreme Existence, Hardcore Wrestling, Iron Man, Murder Incorporated, Next Generation, Quantum Pro, Wrestling Superstars, Xtreme Poison

Steel Federation

Absolute Pain, American Wrestling, Eastern States Wrestling, Fighting Legends, Intense Impact, King of Kings, Last Man Standing, Mid-Atlantic Region, New Blood, Old School, Unknown Wrestler, Vicious Valkyries

Gold Federation

All Star, Battle Royal, Blood Bath, Caliente Lucha, Canadian Wrestling, Extraordinary Power, Fighting Superstars, Independent Wrestling, Mat Mayhem, Mystic Diva, National Wrestling, Ninja Dojo, Texas Death

Diamond Federation

American Bodyslam, Dark Days, Evil Clown, Femme Fatale, Fractured Jaw, Lethal Brawling, Lights Out, Night Falcon, Noble Savage, Non-stop Action, Rajun Cajun, Xtreme Wrestling, Young Guns

Bronze Federation

American Empire, American Outlaw, Extreme Hardcore, Grim Reaper, Hot Streak, Iron Glove, Main Event, Men of Steel, Raging Bull, Soul Asylum, Torture Chamber, World Championship

Jade Federation

Atomic Age, Bloody Terror, Jade Dragon, Lone Wolf, Lovely Ladies, Primal Rage, Psychotic Killer, Pure Adrenaline, Smoking Gun, Super Hero, World Wrestling, Wrestlers Elite

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