IWA REPORT
Vol. 18, No. 12 -- September 2013
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HALL OF FAME INDUCTEES -- engraved plaque

Joachim Storz of Germany

BURN: Lazarus Kane (IML) 1,489-169-47, $3,191,800 *43

J. Hook of California

APO: Gothic (PKL) 2,186-1,044-184, $3,932,400 *24

 

WORLD, U.S., KING OF THE RING

World Champion

EDGE: Chief Lapulapu (EHL)
Garett Guzman of Nevada; 501; $300,000 + 100 free matches or a real wrestling belt & 50 free matches; manager's 9th career World title

18,420 rabid fans pack the Sprint Center in downtown Kansas City as they await the formal introduction and celebration of the new IWA World Champion. The camera pans the raucous crowd. Along the aisle, an attractive and scantily-clad Asian woman frantically waves around a neon sign proclaiming: "DUKE = BOTB!" In the front row, a nondescript elderly woman dons a Hannibal mask while posturing in a double bicep flex. In the nosebleed section sits a morbidly obese and balding middle-aged man sporting a three-sizes-too-small t-shirt that simply reads: "I'm with Stevel!"

Then, without any warning, all the arena lights power off. After several seconds in the blackout, the notorious opening bass riffs of Jane's Addiction's "Mountain Song" begin to emanate from the speakers. Everyone knows what comes next. The four turnbuckles of the ring simultaneously spit out 10-foot-high flames. Chief Lapulapu emerges from behind the backstage curtains, equipped with his trademark Bolo knife and wearing a native necklace fashioned from the bones of various animal corpses. On this particular day, his loin cloth and hand-woven headband are emblazoned in red and gold in honor of the locals' beloved NFL team. And instead of the elaborately-carved hardwood shield that he normally carries to the ring, this time he clutches the IWA World Championship belt. With a slight nod, the longtime EHL superstar acknowledges the cheering audience with a thoughtful gaze before pounding his chest and resuming toward the squared circle, letting the belt drag on the floor behind his bare feet. Manager Garett Guzman of the Evil Dominion of Godlike Excellence follows closely behind with a calm but confident disposition.

The duo enters the ring, whereupon Lapulapu begins to silently pace the mat. Guzman calls for the microphone and waits for the spectator noise to die down before addressing the attentive crowd. "It's great to be back home and finally satiate my appetite for the best barbecue in the world!" The audience responds with a collective roar. "Since the last time I stepped foot in the 'BBQ Capital of the World,' I've traveled everywhere, and I gotta say, there's a lot of crap food out there. These below-average, run-of-the-mill, regional chain grilled meat joints parade around like they're the stuff. But they're frauds! They're phonies!" The crowd boos emphatically. "Let's not kid ourselves, IWA. Likewise, there are a lot of pretenders in this business right now. Over here you've got a 'violator' who's essentially a singles-only, one-trick pony that can't manage a tag or six-man team to an in-league title to save his life. Then over there, you have these two INK clowns connected below the waist who share and swap everything but God knows what. Then somewhere in between all that mess, you've got a loopy nephew and his schizophrenic uncle, and well, who the hell knows what that inbred circus is all about?! Well, lemme tell you guys something... In a world of 'omegas' and 'sigmas' and 'gammas' and 'epsilons' and whatever other Greek mumbo-jumbo there is out there, I'm still the 'alpha' dog... the NINE-TIME alpha dog! And I'm not going anywhere. So come and get some."

Guzman drops the mic to the canvas and stands in the center of the ring with his arms outstretched, inviting any and all challengers to come forward. As the house broadcast comes to a close, IWA TV cameras fade to black, and the packed venue begins to chant, "We want 10! We want 10! We want 10!"

U.S. Champion

HARD: California Terminator (EAL)
Robert Coplin of California; 500; $60,000 + a plaque or 25 free matches

King of the Ring

EDGE: Arrogant Alex Ariza (HSL)
Garett Guzman; a plaque or 25 free matches; 272 KotR total; edged OMEGA: Enforcer Shane Douglas (XWL); hold positions were 1, 5, 7, 9, 10, 13, 14, 15; battle royal hold positions were 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 8, 11, 12

 

SPECIALTY TITLES -- $25,000 + 10 free matches

American Champion

EDGE: Matti Vegas (SAL)
Kevin Hurley of Canada; 500

Asiatic Champion

EDGE: Ollis Rage (JDL)
Mike Dorsett of New York; 499

Hardcore Champion

GB: Vinny Bomber (GRL)
Kevin Araujo of Massachusetts; edged INK/SW/DC: "Luscious" Lilith Johnson (TDL)

Metropolitan Champion

OMEGA: The Ruler of Reality (SHL)
"The Game" from Parts Unknown; 10 free matches

 

FEDERATION PLAY-OFFS -- $40,000 + 25 free matches

Iron Federation Champion

NGAA: Hawkeye Science (NGL)
S. Daniel Stunes of Arkansas; edged ICP: Silver King (IML), OMEGA: Mobster Rocky Tartaglia (MIL)

Steel Federation Champion

"The American Odyssey" Dusty Roads (MRL)
John Stephenson of California; edged Mailcount Man (NBL), EDGE: Sparky del Mota (FLL), Classic: "Honky Tonkin" Ray Blaine Ferris (ESL)

Gold Federation Champion

EDGE: Umu Tagata (EPL)
Rich Schwartzenburg of Canada; edged INK/SW/DC: "Luscious" Lilith Johnson (TDL)

Diamond Federation Champion

EDGE: Citizen X (FJL)
Garett Guzman of Nevada; 500

Bronze Federation Champion

EDGE: Chief Lapulapu (EHL)
Garett Guzman; 501

Jade Federation Champion

EDGE: Ollis Rage (JDL)
Mike Dorsett of New York; 499

 

NATIONAL, IWA-WIDE REGIONALS -- $20,000

National Champion

OMEGA: Peter the Great (SGL)
"The Game" from Parts Unknown; manager retained title; a plaque or 25 free matches; Western region; manager's 17th career National title

Atlantic Champion

INK: Nuke Button (TCL)
"Dr. Pain" Mark Duchaine of Vermont

Central Champion

OMEGA: Charlie Brown (SAL)
"The Game"

Dixie Champion

INK/KDSN: Cowboy Brandon Jenner (TDL)
Matt Yunick of New York

Eastern Champion

OMEGA: Face of Bear (NAL)
Ben West of Georgia; edged Classic: Lethal Lisa (PRL)

Mountain Champion

The Scoundrel (BRL)
The Most Interesting Man in the World; edged EDGE: Igorot of the Mountains (EHL), EDGE: Evil (WEL), CLASSIC: Bloodshed Bruno (HWL), Duke Dangerous (SHL), Easy E. Joe Cool (TDL), Classic: Dale (PRL), Classic: "Stunning" Steve Houston (MRL), Casanova (AWL), INK: Ryan Madson (MIL)

Northern Champion

INK/KDSN: Party Goer Kourtney Kardashian (SAL)
Matt Yunick; edged YETI: Captain Marvel (SHL)

Pacific Champion

EDGE: Willie Nelson Mandela (EPL)
Garett Guzman of Nevada

Prairie Champion

END: Judge (BRL)
Keith A. Maple of Ohio

Southern Champion

OMEGA: Chubby (SAL)
"The Game"

 

LADIES' TITLES

Ladies' World Champion

INK/KDSN: Dash Employee Lily (FFL)
Matt Yunick of New York; $40,000 + a plaque or 15 free matches

Ladies' U.S. Champion

INK/SW: Melinda the Satanic Girlfriend (FFL)
Matt Yunick; moved up from National title; $20,000

Queen of the Ring

EDGE/JERKSS: Rebel Sarah (LLL)
Erik Davis of Washington; 266 QotR total

Ladies' National Champion

EDGE/JERKSS: Rebel Skyla (LLL)
Erik Davis; 500

Ladies' Tag-team Champions

EDGE: SJ's Ex-Girlfriend Rena & Current Girlfriend Angie (LLL)
"The Immortal" Shareef Johnson of New Jersey; manager retained titles; edged EDGE: Stone Cold Steph Austin & The People's Champ Dawn Johnson (VVL), EDGE/JERKSS: Soda Girl & Pop Girl (FFL)

Ladies' U.S. Tag-team Champions

EDGE: Sensational Queen Sherri & Superfly Jenny Snuka (FFL)
Shareef Johnson; edged EDGE/JERKSS: Mad Girl & Happy Girl (VVL)

World Six-woman Champions

HARD: Hollywood, Sarah Palin, California Doll (MDL)
Robert Coplin of California; edged MWC: "Ego Maniac" Michelle Sleaves, "Drama Queen" Kendra Maplewood, "Little Lost Puppy" Toni Adud (FFL)

U.S. Six-woman Champions

EDGE: Awesome Angela, Dreamgirl Dana, Bonecrusher Bonnie Powers (VVL)
Shareef Johnson

 

TAG-TEAM TITLES

World Tag-team Champions

END: Judge & Jury (BRL)
Keith A. Maple of Ohio; $50,000 + 15 free matches

Top Contenders

2. TSD/OMEGA: Boa Python & Anaconda (TCL)
last of the teams with 516

3. EDGE: Ordinary Fella & Everyday Bro (CWL)

4. INK: KENTA "Ninja" Fuji & Pon "Samurai" Kahn (ECL)
ranked #5 last time
EDGE: Midnite Vulture & Soul Suckin' Jerk (BTL)

6. MWC: Smasher & Basher (GRL)

7. INK/VIRUS: Ghouly & Drooly Ghouly (KKL)
INK/CTI: Elite Superstar & INK: Gary Madrid (APL)

9. BURN: Astonishing Aric Overstar & God Complex Legion Cage (EAL)

10. EDGE: Studly Steve Stennick & Golden Nick Meyer (MML)

U.S. Tag-team Champions

END: Demonic Dudes Lucifer Ace & Samhain Douglas (GRL)
Keith A. Maple; 516; $20,000

 

SIX-MAN TITLES

World Six-man Champions

OMEGA: Greasy "Money Hands," Ken "Kentucky" Tucky, OMEGA/TREE HOUSE: The Tenth Dentist (HWL)
Ben West of Georgia; manager held titles 3 cycles in a row; share of $50,000 + 15 free matches

INK: Ryan Madson, Murder Death Kill, Necronomicon (MIL)
Mike Carver of Pennsylvania (Madson) & "Dr. Pain" Mark Duchaine of Vermont; Carver held titles 3 cycles in a row

BURN: Supernatural Jason McDaniel, The Amazing Human Highlight Reel, TH1RTE3N (CLL)
Solomon Shaw of Maine; manager retained titles

INK/VIRUS: Tina "Gold-Digger," Medusa "The Serpent" Burns, Jack "The Cutthroat" Ripper (KKL)
Frank Jay Belcher III of Michigan

EDGE: The Rocklet, Bret "the Hitman" Gruesome, EDGE/JERKSS: The Chef (CSL)
Caleb Kaffenbarger of Ohio, Geoff Silva of Massachusetts, Erik Davis of Washington

Top Contenders

6. INK/VIRUS: The Incredible Mr. Wink E., Tribal Warriors "Head Hunter," "Squatting Bull" (ASL)
last of the teams with 521

7. END: Xtreme Assassins #1, #2, #3 (XPL)
INK: "Mad Dog" Buzz Sawyer, Brodus Clay, INK/RIP: "Playboy" Buddy Rose (WWL)
APO/BONE: Old Dirty M.J., M. "The Hu$tler" John$on, The One M.J. (NSL)
MWC: Minnesota Madman, Legendary Spoiler #25, The Masked All Star (NAL)
EDGE: Off the Wagon, The Last Call Legend, The AA Dropout (DDL)

U.S. Six-man Champions

EDGE: Tyroil Smoochie-Wallace, Randy "Macho Man" Gruesome, EDGE/JERKSS: The Boy (CSL)
Caleb Kaffenbarger, Geoff Silva, Erik Davis; Kaffenbarger & Davis retained titles; share of $20,000

TSD/OMEGA: Mystery Mil Masked Men #1, #2, Broken Dissociative Psyche Unknown Enemy (MIL)
Michael Giuliano of Connecticut

INK: Andrew the Angry Albino, Tim Tebow Carver, Michael Vick Carver (APL)
John Gabriel (Andrew) & Mike Carver, both of Pennsylvania; 521

 

TOP 10 LEAGUES

1. NWL (1,392 matches) 450.129

2. AWL (1,122 matches) 482.575

3. BRL (865 matches) 486.816

4. SHL (702 matches) 487.754

5. BBL (555 matches) 470.108

6. LWL (544 matches) 486.947

7. EAL (526 matches) 489.212
won the two matches for $1 cycle for having the highest average strategy total (counting only active wrestlers)

8. MML (503 matches) 486.018

9. IWL (451 matches) 488.850

10. NSL (427 matches) 486.841

 

TOP 20 MONEY HOLDERS -- active wrestlers only

1. Kaptain Kryptonite (NBL) $28,036,000

2. END: Innovator of Arrogance Keith A. Maple (MEL) $20,163,400

3. END: Medieval Tymes (NAL) $20,004,800

4. "Mr. Powerful" Ken Lambeau (PKL) $19,395,900

5. JL6: The Hooded Inmate (RBL) $17,625,700

6. EDGE/DT: Mike White Lightning Moore (QPL) $15,863,100

7. APO: Gypsy Rose Lee (ECL) $14,872,479

8. BURN: Johnny Cage (JIL) $14,242,538

9. DFI: American Freedom Fighter E.J. (SHL) $13,846,538

10. END: Jinx (BRL) $13,490,300

11. TSD/OMEGA: The Survivor (ECL) $12,788,000

12. OMEGA/TSD: King Krusher (LSL) $12,613,000

13. INK: Sir Gunther Kinderwacht (BRL) $12,494,500

14. Easy E. Joe Cool (TDL) $12,128,500

15. VIRUS: High Stakes Chris Edwards (IGL) $11,812,400

16. Dimitrios the Traveler (EAL) $11,341,000

17. Johnny "2 Kold" Koolakowski (IGL) $10,983,400

18. Arsenal (DDL) $10,948,100

19. EDGE: Motorheadbanger Annihilator (JIL) $10,331,800

20. END: The Wyld Stooge (PKL) $10,050,200

 

LIST OF LEAGUES

Iron Federation

Center Stage, Elite Action, Extreme Existence, Hardcore Wrestling, Iron Man, Murder Incorporated, Next Generation, Quantum Pro, Wrestling Superstars, Xtreme Poison, Young Lions

Steel Federation

Absolute Pain, American Wrestling, Eastern States Wrestling, Fighting Legends, Intense Impact, King of Kings, Last Man Standing, Mid-Atlantic Region, New Blood, Old School, Vicious Valkyries

Gold Federation

All Star, Battle Royal, Black Ops, Blood Bath, Caliente Lucha, Canadian Wrestling, Extraordinary Power, Florida Superstars, Independent Wrestling, Mat Mayhem, Mystic Diva, National Wrestling, Ninja Dojo, Texas Death, Union Express

Diamond Federation

American Bodyslam, Dark Days, Evil Clown, Femme Fatale, Fractured Jaw, Lethal Brawling, Lights Out, Night Falcon, Noble Savage, Non-stop Action, Rajun Cajun, Xtreme Wrestling, Young Guns

Bronze Federation

American Empire, American Outlaw, Extreme Hardcore, Grim Reaper, Hot Streak, Iron Glove, Main Event, Men of Steel, Raging Bull, Soul Asylum, Torture Chamber, World Championship

Jade Federation

Atomic Age, Bloody Terror, Jade Dragon, Just Incredible, Lone Wolf, Lovely Ladies, Primal Rage, Psychotic Killer, Pure Adrenaline, Smoking Gun, Super Hero, World Wrestling, Wrestlers Elite

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