IWA REPORT
Vol. 16, No. 18 -- Holidays 2011
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A LEGEND RETIRES

The scene opens on a room full of current IWA managers as well as past legends, all awaiting the arrival of Keith Maple, who is set to make his much anticipated retirement announcement. As the managers continue to talk amongst themselves, the door slowly opens, and Keith enters the room, accompanied by Anthony Dudick and John Gabriel. They walk toward the front of the room and onto the podium as the crowd quiets and takes its seats. As Gabriel and Dudick stand on each side of Keith, he steps up to the mic. John hands Keith a piece of paper as he clears his throat and leans over to the mic.

Keith: "Wow... it's nice to see that so many people care... ha ha. Seriously, though, thanks for coming out. Today is a sad day for me, but I must do what I must do. I'm not going to bore you too much, so I will get right to it... When I first started playing this game back in 1987, I had no clue that I would be where I am today. I was thirteen, and thought it would be fun to try. Well, all these years later, it is time to grow up and leave the game behind, no matter how much fun it is. During my time in this game, I have teamed with a lot of people, and even had the pleasure -- or displeasure, ha ha -- of meeting a couple of managers in the real world. I have been in some of the best stables to ever exist in the game, and have even had the privilege to take two dying leagues and turn them into the best leagues of their respective times... but, again, I don't want to bore you too much, so I will get out of here, but must thank a few people that have touched my life in this game. If I miss anybody, I'm sorry, but I'm a little nervous right now.

"Anyway, I would like to start by thanking Johnny B for giving me a second chance a few years back, after being gone for six years. Mr. B gave me the chance to have some fun in the imaginary world again. Over the years, my creation, LPPF, has seen many members come and go, and I would like to thank them all for sticking by me for however long each of them did, but most importantly, I'd like to thank the current members that have stayed loyal for years, no matter what the circumstance was. So, thanks, Mark Duchaine, Neal Kendall, Mike Eaves, and my main man, Anthony Dudick (Dudick pats him on the back). You guys are true friends, and I will always be thankful for that. I'd also like to give a mention to my boys of the past, Eric Tackett, Darrell Brewer, Derek Nordio, and Jim Kuenzli. I'm sure if they were still in the game, we would still be cracking skulls together. Mr. Anthony Pratt... my brotha from another mother... we had a lot of great and controversial times together, and I want to thank you for that. Pratt was the original wingman, and a friend in the real world... And how can there be a past without a present? I would like to thank Mike Moore, Howie Sandberg, Jason Miller, Gregg Boyle, Zach Gargus, Cevon Whitehead, John Gabriel, and Sly Smith, just to name a few. These men, as well as many others, have made the recent years --"

[Knock, knock]

Keith: "...Ummm, these men have made the recent years --"

[Knock, knock]

Keith: "...What the heck was that? Anyway, like I was saying --"

The view becomes blurry, and begins to shake. It gets faster and faster, as the room becomes completely imperceptible, and Keith's voice becomes very faint, and eventually mute. The scene becomes completely black.

[Knock, knock]

The view returns, but this time Keith is seen lying on a couch. The knocking gets louder as he jumps up and sits, a confused look on his face. He looks over to the front door as the knocking continues. He slowly gets up, shaking his head, and walks to the door. He slowly opens it to reveal a very large man with several tattoos and piercings. Keith looks the man up and down in confusion.

Keith: "Can I help you?"

Man: "Hey, bro. Are you ready?"

Keith: "Ready? Ready for what? And who are you, anyway?"

Man: "Ha ha, very funny, buddy. Let's go. The boys are waiting."

Keith: "Seriously, man, I have no clue what you are talking about. I was having this weird dream, and then you woke me."

Man: "Let's just go. I will explain on our way to the arena."

Keith: "Arena? What arena?"

Man: "LOLZ... The Xtreme Arena, silly."

A confused Keith just shrugs his shoulders and heads toward the front door. The apparent friends stop just before exiting. Keith turns around and winks at the camera, then walks out and shuts the door.

Fade to black.

 

HALL OF FAME INDUCTEES -- engraved plaque

Paul C. Low of Maryland

S4C (Soldier 4 Christ): Willie Wino (NSL) 6,504-952-241, $10,977,900 *44
CC (Celtic Chaos): Oliver Shagnasty (NSL) 5,664-1,149-187, $10,013,000 *42
CC: Danny Boy O'Day (NSL) 5,709-1,084-237, $10,545,900 *45
Known as the Fan Favorite Trio, they are retiring due to amassing enough money to live out the rest of their lives comfortably, running a bar known as Danny's Place.

Eric Lindsay of Pennsylvania

LOD: New Breed Terminator (ASL) 1,382-540-156, $4,713,100 *59
LOD: New Breed Eliminator (ASL) 1,427-499-166, $4,716,500 *48
LOD: New Breed Warrior (ASL) 1,329-564-112, $4,468,200 *51
LOD: "The Wolverine" Konga Anderson (ASL) 1,696-475-167, $4,363,500 *55

Luke Fletcher of Georgia

APO: Ultimate Stinger (ECL) 1,059-411-61, $2,877,700 *22

 

WORLD, U.S., KING OF THE RING

World Heavyweight Champion

Æ: Demolition Man 2 (OTL)
Michael Drake of New York; 501; $300,000 + 100 free matches or a real wrestling belt & 50 free matches

As the World Title is presented to Mike Drake, "We are the Champions" begins to play in the arena. Sly Smith makes his way down the aisle and enters the ring. He and Drake are face to face, and as the tension builds, Drake smiles.

Drake: "This is for you, Sly. I wanted to send you out on top."

Sly snatches the belt out of Drake's hands as the crowd boos. Sly then lays the belt out in the ring, takes out a can of spray paint, and proceeds to paint the belt. Sly hands the belt back to Drake, and Drakes stares down at it for a moment. The two shake hands, and Sly leaves the ring. Drake raises the belt over his head, and in bright blue spray paint, it reads "FWA." The crowd is stunned. What does this mean?!?

U.S. Champion

Æ/FC: Tricky George (RYL)
George Zimilinghaus of New York; 501; $60,000 + a plaque or 25 free matches; edged Æ: Mr. Drake (ALL)

King of the Ring

UKA: Pit Boss (ALL)
Steven M. Shotliff of Minnesota; 501; a plaque or 25 free matches; 274 KotR total; edged Æ: Drake Younger (HWL; lesser overall total); hold positions were 1, 3, 4, 5, 10, 11, 14, 15; battle royal hold positions were 1, 2, 6, 7, 8, 9, 12, 13

 

SPECIALTY TITLES -- $25,000 + 10 free matches

American Champion

EDGE: J.D. Warrior (OSL)
John Durrani of Connecticut; 500; edged EDGE: Sadistic Dean Danger (LOL)

Asiatic Champion

Æ: ill Bill (NBL)
Anthony Dudick of New York; 500; edged Æ: Bruiser Brett Brown (NDL)

Hardcore Champion

UKA: Pit Boss (ALL)
Steven M. Shotliff of Minnesota; 501

Metropolitan Champion

Æ: Razorblade Handgrenade (XPL)
Anthony Dudick; 499; 10 free matches

Cruiserweight Champion

Ozmin Machine (AWL)
Daniel Moore of New York

 

FEDERATION PLAY-OFFS -- $40,000 + 25 free matches

Iron Federation Champion

EDGE: Death Incarnate (YLL)
Mike Dorsett of New York; 500; edged Æ/LPPF: Michael Maddness (EEL)

Steel Federation Champion

Æ/FC: Shogun GZ (LSL)
George Zimilinghaus of New York; 501

Gold Federation Champion

EDGE: Cobra Commander (MWL)
Steven J. Deane of Nebraska; 500; edged Æ: Bruiser Brett Brown (NDL)

Diamond Federation Champion

EDGE: Glenn Quagmire (LBL)
Kevin Lin of New York; 501; edged UKA: Pit Boss (ALL)

Bronze Federation Champion

Æ: Demolition Man 2 (OTL)
Michael Drake of New York; manager held title 3 cycles in a row; 501

Jade Federation Champion

Æ: Mike Corino (WEL)
Michael Drake; 500

 

NATIONAL, IWA-WIDE REGIONALS -- $20,000

National Champion

EDGE: Chris Griffin (LBL)
Kevin Lin of New York; a plaque or 25 free matches; Central region

EDGE: Lil' Hurl (NSL)
Kevin Hurley of Canada; 501; Western region

Atlantic Champion

Æ: Archangel (ASL)
John Gabriel of Pennsylvania; 500; edged Æ: Bloodshed Brawler S.L. (TDL), EDGE: Peter Griffin (LBL), EDGE/WCGP: "Just Bring It" J.J. Braiden (AFL)

Dixie Champion

Æ: Future (GRL)
Keith A. Maple of Ohio; 500; edged Æ: Clown with a Frown (NDL), Æ/vMx: Adrenaline (XPL)

Eastern Champion

Æ: Starvin Marvin (MIL)
Frank Jay Belcher III of Michigan; 501; edged UKA: "Nature Boy" David Blanchard (ECL)

Mountain Champion

Æ/FC: Nick Gage (RYL)
George Zimilinghaus of New York; 501

Northern Champion

Æ: Suicide King (RYL)
Sly Smith of West Virginia; 499; edged EDGE: Desolate San Diegon #1 (CCL), Æ: Red Beaulieu (UEL), Æ/FC: "The Franchise" Shane Douglas (ASL), "The Calgary Playboy" Leo Jerk (MRL), Æ: Living Legend #2 (LBL), EDGE: The Barbarian Boris Tower (OSL), EDGE: Iron Maiden (PRL), EDGE: Marshall Funk (KKL)

Pacific Champion

Æ/FC: The Mystery of GZ (LSL)
George Zimilinghaus; 500

Prairie Champion

Æ: GZstradomus (MWL)
George Zimilinghaus; 500; edged Æ: Little Brother Bill Country (OTL)

Southern Champion

EDGE: Hurley Gaga (NSL)
Kevin Hurley; 500; edged UKA: Legendary Spoiler #25 (ALL), Æ: Tony "The Boss" Black (MEL)

 

LADIES' TITLES

Ladies' World Champion

Æ: Xtreme Xplosion Amy Christine Dumas (FFL)
Keith A. Maple of Ohio; 500; $40,000 + a plaque or 15 free matches

Ladies' U.S. Champion

Æ: "Poor White Trash" Patty Jewels (LLL)
Anthony Dudick of New York; 499; $20,000

Queen of the Ring

Æ/FC: Fight Club Cici (FFL)
George Zimilinghaus of New York; 269 QotR total

Ladies' National Champion

EDGE: Dominion Diva #3 (VVL)
Shaun Sims of Maryland; 501

Ladies' Tag-team Champions

EDGE: Gisele Bundchen & the Velvet Idol (LLL)
Jason P. Miller of California

Ladies' U.S. Tag-team Champions

EDGE: Awesome Angela & Bonecrusher Bonnie Powers (VVL)
"The Immortal" Shareef Johnson of New Jersey

World Six-woman Champions

EDGE: Prison Decorator Martha Stewart, Scandalous Heidi Fleiss, Fiendish Amy Fisher (LLL)
Steven J. Deane of Nebraska; 521

U.S. Six-woman Champions

EDGE: Liz B. Anne, Joan "Pimp Hand" Crawford, Mommie Dearest (LLL)
Jason P. Miller

 

TAG-TEAM TITLES

World Tag-team Champions

EDGE: Ruthless Rick & Extreme Evan Riot (TDL)
EDGE: Knight in Shining Arrogance & Posturing Hero (NDL)
Jason P. Miller of California; share of $50,000 + 15 free matches

Æ: Evil Erich & Kid Vicious Clint Carnage (GRL)
John Gabriel of Pennsylvania

Top Contenders

4. Æ: Kevin & Paul (ZHL)
Æ/FC: GZ Burn & Æ: Dynamic Danny Dangerous (CFL)

6. EDGE: Toxo & Sludge (KKL)

7. Æ: Necronomicon & Arnold Swarzamijigger (MIL)

8. EDGE: Spirit-N-Black & Blackest Hell (PML)
last of the teams with 516

9. AXIS: Erik Sabotnik & Samsun Fujiwara (TCL)

10. EDGE: Shareef Johnson's Bodyguard #1 & Stud Muffin Shareef Johnson (OSL)

U.S. Tag-team Champions

LB: The Legendary Eddie Sweat & Robert Van Damage (BRL)
Frank Snow of North Carolina; 516; $20,000; edged Æ: The Part Timer & Sly Smith (PRL), Æ: Psychotic Clown & the Smog (CFL)

 

SIX-MAN TITLES

World Six-man Champions

EDGE: Executioner Eric Disaster, the Feature Freddy, Flawless Floyd Flamingo (RYL)
Mike Dorsett of New York; manager retained titles; share of $50,000 + 15 free matches

EDGE: Meh, Blah, Bleh (PML)
Jason P. Miller of California

EDGE: Killer Kanye West, Tim Tebow, Michael Vick Carver (APL)
Mike Carver of Pennsylvania

Æ: Blue Eagle ~ Willie Byler, Scott Baio Wolf, "Asian Assassin" Kenta "Ninja" Fuji (OSL)
John Gabriel of Pennsylvania

Æ: Death Messenger, Man in the Mirror, Resurrection (NDL)
"Dr. Pain" Mark Duchaine of Vermont & Keith A. Maple of Ohio (Resurrection)

Top Contenders

6. EDGE: Trinity, Omega, Demon Disciple (KKL)

7. EDGE: "Iron" Mike Rozier, "Tenacious" Tommy Frazier, "The Jet" Johnny Rodgers (FLL)

8. EDGE: "Number 2" Wes Mantooth, Trident Wielding Brick Tamland, Station Manager Ed Harken (CCL)
last of the teams with 521

9. EDGE/NVME: Rich, Shawn Steiner, "Macho Man" Gary Savage (WFL)

10. LB: Golden Boy Teddy Angel, Lumberjack Paul D. Boot, Nature Boy Tommy Landell (BRL)

U.S. Six-man Champions

EDGE: Snap, Crackle, Pop (RYL)
Kevin Lin of New York; share of $20,000

Æ: Arn, Ole Anderson, Tull Blanchard (WWL)
Ryan Kilmer of Pennsylvania

Æ: Diamond, the Bodyguard, the Legendary Assassin (SGL)
Joshua Haight of Wisconsin

Æ: Hooded TG, Hooded GZ, the Two Timer (PRL)
George Zimilinghaus of New York; 521; edged Æ: Vicious Vic Valentine, Perfect Patrick Patterson, Stunning Steven Storm (OSL), Æ: John Foulk, 3 Men and a little Miller, Super Dave (WEL), Æ/FC: Tricky George, Z-Man, Original GZ (JDL)

 

TOP 10 LEAGUES

1. AWL (954 matches) 475.205

2. XPL (597 matches) 491.773

3. GRL (545 matches) 492.301

4. JIL (540 matches) 492.649

5. PKL (520 matches) 492.408

6. HWL (507 matches) 490.912

7. LWL (491 matches) 488.773

8. NWL (468 matches) 438.200

9. BRL (458 matches) 492.967
won the two matches for $1 cycle for having the highest average strategy total (counting only active wrestlers)

10. ASL (443 matches) 492.489

 

TOP 20 STARS -- active wrestlers only

1. Æ: Wonderful Wally Brown (GRL) 87

2. Æ: Sinister Steve Stryker (CSL) 79

3. Æ: Medieval Tymes (GRL)
Æ: Sir Gunther Kinderwacht (NAL) 74

5. Æ: Nightmare Sam Hell (NDL) 72

6. Æ: Innovator of Arrogance Keith A. Maple (XPL)
EDGE/DT: Mike White Lightning Moore (QPL) 71

8. Æ: Diesel Duddick (GRL) 70

9. CORE: Johnny Cage (JIL) 69

10. CORE: Chris Coldstone (JIL)
Æ: Lord of Illusions (JIL) 65

12. Æ: "The Big Mofo" Anthony Dudick (NAL)
Steve "The Sandman" Sands (KKL) 63

14. EDGE: Ollis Rage (JDL)
EDGE: Warchild (HSL) 62

16. Æ: Bloody Assault Jessica Lee Richards (FFL)
Executioner (LBL) 61

18. EDGE: Mike White Lightning Moore (BRL)
OSA: Outlaw Tony Taylor (XPL)
APO: Sammy Solar (OSL) 60

 

LIST OF LEAGUES

Iron Federation

Center Stage, Extreme Action, Extreme Existence, Hardcore Wrestling, Iron Man, Jersey City Wrestling, Manager Based, Murder Incorporated, Next Generation, Quick Pin, Rising Stars, Wrestling Federation, Wrestling Superstars, Xtreme Poison, Young Lions

Steel Federation

Absolute Pain, American Wrestling, Casting Couch, East Side Wrestling, Fighting Legends, Intense Impact, King Kong, Louisiana Swamp, Mid-Atlantic Region, New Blood, Old School, Praying Mantis, Rebel Yell, Vicious Valkyries, Zeus Power

Gold Federation

All Star, Battle Royal, Black Ops, Blood Bath, Chicago Legends, Classic Wrestling, Extraordinary Power, Federated Suns, Masked Wrestling, Mat Mayhem, Mystic Diva, National Wrestling, Ninja Dojo, Texas Death, Union Express

Diamond Federation

American Bodyslam, American Legion, Armed Forces, Dark Days, Evil Clown, Femme Fatale, Fractured Jaw, Last Breath, Lights Out, Night Falcon, Noble Savage, Non-stop Action, Rajun Cajun, Xtreme Wrestling, Young Guns

Bronze Federation

Assassin's Order, Coffin Filler, Extreme Hardcore, Grim Reaper, Hot Streak, Iron Glove, Main Event, Men of Steel, Old Timer's, Raging Bull, Soul Asylum, Torture Chamber, Unknown Wrestler, Zombie Hunter

Jade Federation

Atomic Age, Bloody Terror, Jade Dragon, Just Incredible, Lone Wolf, Lovely Ladies, Primal Rage, Psychotic Killer, Pure Adrenaline, Smoking Gun, South Central Wrestling, Super Hero, World Wrestling, Wrestlers Elite

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