Vol. 14, No. 5 -- April 2009
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HALL OF FAME INDUCTEES
Butcher Kerek has decided to end his professional wrestling career. The reigning Southern regional champion in the Dark Days League amassed a record of 1,030-91-46, with $1,444,500 in imaginary earnings. Butcher devastated opponents with his patented finisher, "The Slaughter Slam." One of his more recent and notable accolades was winning the bronze medal in the Long Jump event during last year's Imagilympics. His manager, Ryan Oskar of Ohio, will receive an engraved plaque to mark this occasion!
Also this cycle, manager W.P. Mills of Wisconsin announces that his FFL "Cable Babe" trio is retiring into the Hall of Fame. "Perfect Ten" Jen Carfagno (1,080-179-44, $2,402,300 *20), Christi "Got It All" Paul (1,074-170-57, $2,309,900 *22), and Rudi "Baby Got" Bakhtiar (1,113-148-54, $2,329,000 *23) had many individual titles and triumphs, led by Jen's multiple Ladies' World Championships, but they were first and foremost a team -- as they proved at the end of 2008 by winning the IWA World Six-woman titles in three out of four straight cycles, twice with maximum 521-point strategies. Thus, it is fitting that they retire together.
The announcement marks an end to more than 16 years of managing IWA women wrestlers for Mills. He started out competing with legends like John Woods, Mike Pepple, and Larry Wilson, competed in two different decades with greats like Frank Snow and Robert Maitland, and more recently went up against talents like Andre Sabucco and Eric Lindsay. Mills especially enjoyed his intense but respectful feuds with Lindsay, whom he says "plays the game the way it should be played." Mills plans to meet annually with his many female IWA Hall of Famers, who include legends like Golden Tigress, Exotic Eiko O'Malley, Helena Ring, and Lady Sinthia Kinque.
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION
EDGE: Bev Gelfand (CCL) won the game's top prize by edging out Cruiserweight Champion Jamie St. James, who also had a 501-point strategy. The IWA media crew caught up with her loud-mouthed manager, Jake "Sugar Britches" Duvall of Georgia, who was seen wearing the belt himself! "Luckily the faceplates aren't on the back of these things," he sneered, "because I'd hate to cover up the IWA's cutest rear end on account of a fashion accessory. I'd like to send out congratulations to my former stable, the Evil Dominion of Godlike Excellence, because, let's face it... you'd have never achieved this if it weren't for me." With that, Duvall fogged up the camera lens with his breath and drew a sideways smiley face for the world to see!
This $60,000 purse went to ILL: Bob "O" (NFL)! His manager, Gregg Boyle of Maryland, can choose either an engraved plaque or 25 free matches for helping his wrestler defeat LPPF: Da Renegade (TDL) by point flow. Both men had 500 points.
KING OF THE RING
Zach Gargus of Parts Unknown kept this title in his possession! This time he relied on ILL: Princeton's #1 Virgin Slayer (KSL) to do the deed. Zach wins another engraved plaque or 25 free matches, since his man's 273-point total proved to be the best when we added up the values of hold positions 2, 5, 6, 7, 9, 11, 12, and 13 in the strategy of each battle royal winner. Hold positions 1, 3, 4, 8, 9, 10, 14, and 15 were used to determine the outcomes of the regular league battle royals.
Darrell Brewer of Alabama pocketed 10 free matches by managing ILL: Cronus (ASL) to a 500-point strategy, which allowed him to defeat the champions of the AAL, ABL, OSL, SAL, and XPL. Beginning next cycle, the competition for this title will heat up even more, since the TCL is now an American league! (Managers may only have up to six wrestlers in this league instead of the usual ten.)
EDGE/DEATHKNIGHT: Serial Killer (NDL) received $25,000 for using his 499-pointer to best the champions of the CFL, CSL, ECL, JDL, MEL, and PML. His manager, Mike Dorsett of New York, wins 10 free matches!
Anthony Rodriguez of Alabama won 10 free matches by coaching LPPF: Anthony S. Spivey (TDL) past the champions of the DDL, GRL, HWL, PKL, and RYL, and then to point flow victory over ILL: Legendary Spoiler #16 (ALL)! His strategy was worth 499 points.
Darrell Brewer of Alabama gained another 10 free matches by leading American Champion ILL: Cronus (ASL) to this title! He had a 500 total.
Wade Williamson of North Dakota proved that he is a force to be reckoned with by devising a perfect 501-point strategy for HI: Jamie St. James (AFL)! Wade earned 10 free matches, while Jamie received $25,000 in imaginary money. "Testify!"
Correction: E-POD: European Gravedigger (SGL), managed by Shawn Walker of Virginia, should have won the Cruiserweight title last cycle. It was awarded in error to Nothing Man, whose manager is not a rookie. We have given Shawn 10 free matches and added the imaginary earnings to his wrestler as compensation. We apologize to any managers who were affected by this oversight.
EDGE: Synyster Gates (NGL) used his 500-pointer to pick up the Iron Federation title for Scott Bernes of Ohio. The Steel Federation honors went to Bev Gelfand, who ended up with the World Heavyweight title. In the Gold Federation, Darrell Brewer of Alabama led ILL: Swavio Stooksberry (HML) to a point flow win over both ILL: Cronus (ASL) and WWW: Systematic Assassin (BBL). Each had 500 points. Cruiserweight Champion HI: Jamie St. James (AFL) put an additional $40,000 in his imaginary bank account by conquering the Diamond Federation with his perfect 501-point strategy. His manager, Wade Williamson of North Dakota, added 25 free matches to his career winnings! The Bronze Federation champion was ILL: The Gold Standard (WCL). Zach Gargus of Parts Unknown coached him to victory over COT/PP: Nuckelavee (CFL), Motorboat Jackson (JCL), and COT: "100% Texan" Jason Ford (OTL). PAIN's founder, manager "Too Dope for VH1" BossCat Empson, grabbed the Jade Federation strap through the talents of his son, PAIN: Sexbomb BoogieMan B.C. Empson, who is dominating in the AAL. EDGE: The Illustrious Ishtar (JDL) and AH: Birthday Boy (SGL) lost by point flow. How Dope is that?
NATIONAL CHAMPION, IWA-WIDE REGIONALS
After claiming the Central region as his own, ILL: Hades (ASL) used his 501-pointer to win the National title's prize of an engraved plaque or 25 free matches for Darrell Brewer of Alabama! Going home with the other regions were...
ILL: Powerpuff Girl Jessica (MDL) took the Ladies' World title home to Alabama, where even now manager Darrell Brewer is pondering the choice between an engraved plaque and 15 free matches. Jessica's strategy was worth 500 points. Fellow Powerpuff Girl Tiffany allowed Darrell to retain ownership of the Ladies' U.S. strap! She, too, had a 500 total. Darrell also won the World Six-woman honors, thanks to the efforts of ILL: Powerpuff Girls Buttercup, Blossom, and Bubbles (LLL). Their team total was a perfect 521! Michael Eaves of Mississippi managed to hold onto the Queen of the Ring crown, this time taking it with ACE: Pretty Paris Hilton (MDL), whose 273 total equaled the men's. ACE: Linsey Dawn McKenzie (FFL) claimed the Ladies' National Championship over stablemate "The Voluptuous One" Eden Mor (FFL) for manager Eric Lindsay of Pennsylvania. Both had 499 points. The Notorious ACEhole won the Ladies' tag straps using ACE: MsChif and Lacey (VVL), who had a 516 team total, and then he used ACE: Allison Wonderland, Daizee Haze, and Sara Del Rey (VVL) to secure the U.S. Six-woman belts! ILL: "Action" Amber Amann and "Vivacious" Valerie Phoenix (FFL) defeated stablemates "Misery" Sharon Payne and Aunt Flo (VVL), plus LPPF/HEROIC TRIO: Anita "Wonder Woman" Mui and Michelle "The Invisible Woman" Yeoh (MDL) in the battle for the Ladies' U.S. tag titles. The pair is managed by Tim Zaegel of Virginia.
WORLD TAG-TEAM CHAMPIONS
These titles had to be shared by six teams, since all ended in an unbreakable tie. The team from the NGL was entered due to an in-league error, which enabled Sly Smith of West Virginia to keep his hands on these belts! John M. Kruse of Indiana manages the teams from both the CSL and MBL! The OSL wrestlers are owned by Darrell Brewer of Alabama. The RYL grapplers belong to Jason P. Miller of Kansas, and Jason Sandberg of New York manages the HWL duo. All the teams in the standings had 516 points, and so did LPPF: "Too Sexy" Kevin Nash and Sid Vicious (TCL); EDGE/B JEALOUS: Oklahoma's and Texas A&M's #1 Virgin Slayers (THL); WWW: Mike White Lightning Moore and WWW/NFL: Slinging Steve Bartkowski (QPL); plus ILL: Rule Changers #21 and #22 (WSL).
TOP 10 TAG-TEAMS
U.S. TAG-TEAM CHAMPIONS
ILL: Starscream and Nuclear Holocaust (RYL), managed by Jason P. Miller of Kansas, had to share these belts with ACE: Masked President Obama and Masked Donald Trump (IML), who are owned by Sly Smith of West Virginia. Sly's team was placed in the running for these titles because of an in-league mistake, so he was able to retain ownership of them! Also with 516 team points but losing by point flow were ILL: Dominant Factors Envy and Hate (SAL); ACE: Frightmare and Hallowicked (XPL); ACE: Player's Club Poppa and Apollo Legend LeRoy Sax (MBL); ACE: The Italian Stallion Tony Schiavone and Lover Boy Lee Marshall (OSL); plus ACE: John "In the Line of Fire" Malkovich and Anthony "The Silencer" Hopkins (EHL).
WORLD SIX-MAN CHAMPIONS
The prize for these titles had to be split four ways due to an unbreakable draw. The Texas Rangers gave Darrell Brewer of Alabama his fifth consecutive appearance in this section! Gregg Boyle of Maryland owns the ILL team from the MWL. Tarbash belongs to Howie Sandberg of New York, while "Simply" BTK and "Mr. Signs" the Zodiac wrestle for Michael Giuliano of Connecticut. The WWW members from the JIL are managed by Mark Duchaine of Vermont. All 10 teams had 521 points!
TOP 10 SIX-MAN TEAMS
U.S. SIX-MAN CHAMPIONS
Three teams ended in an unbreakable tie for these titles. Mr. Garrison, Professor Chaos, and Pestilence (THL) are managed by Jason P. Miller of Kansas. Nick Kearns, BiG MarK, and J-Lew (PKL) belong to Gregg Boyle of Maryland, and the Creature, the Oddity, and Freak Show (JRL) are managed by Patrick Eakin of Kansas. They defeated the following teams by point flow: Sydney, Gage, and C.D., Texas Rangers (AAL); Boomslang, Ultimate Supreme, and Slingblade (MSL); the Oracle, Sly Guy Scott Warner, and Ice Man (CFL); plus Krispy Kreme, Tommy Jones, and James Smith (MWL). All seven teams had a perfect score of 521, and all belong to the ILL stable!
TOP 10 LEAGUES
The most active leagues for the Spring cycle, going by the number of matches, are listed below. The All Star League found itself in first place for the fourth cycle in a row! Since the average strategy total of their active wrestlers was the best out of all 10 leagues, managers in the Torture Chamber League can take two matches for $1 next cycle instead of paying our regular prices. The averages in the ECL and NAL were barely more than a point away.
TOP 20 VICTORIES
(Only active wrestlers were included on this list.)
LIST OF LEAGUES
IRON FEDERATION: Center Stage, Extreme Existence, Hardcore Wrestling, Iron Man, Murder Incorporated, Mysterious Benefactor, Next Generation, Quick Pin, Rising Stars, Slumber-party Massacre, Under Fire, Wrestling Superstars, Xtreme Poison
STEEL FEDERATION: Absolute Pain, Caribbean Coast, Devil Inside, Fighting Legends, Intense Impact, King Kong, Lost Souls, Mid-Atlantic Region, New Blood, Old School, Praying Mantis, Rebel Yell, Vicious Valkyries, Zeus Power
GOLD FEDERATION: All Star, Battle Royal, Black Ops, Blood Bath, Chicago Legends, Classic Wrestling, Dark Angel, Federated Suns, Hit Man, Majestic Property, Masked Wrestling, Mystic Diva, Ninja Dojo, Texas Death
DIAMOND FEDERATION: American Bodyslam, American Legion, Armed Forces, Bounty Hunter, Dark Days, Evil Clown, Femme Fatale, Fractured Jaw, Last Breath, Lights Out, Night Falcon, Noble Savage, Non-stop Action, Rajun Cajun, Xtreme Wrestling
BRONZE FEDERATION: Barbaric Warrior, Coffin Filler, Extreme Hardcore, Grim Reaper, Hot Streak, Iron Glove, Jersey City Wrestling, Main Event, Men of Steel, Old Timer's, Raging Bull, Soul Asylum, Torture Chamber, War Cry
JADE FEDERATION: Atomic Age, Iron Cross, Jade Dragon, Just Incredible, Just Rasslin', Killer Soldiers, Lovely Ladies, Psychotic Killer, Smoking Gun, Super Hero, Thor's Hammer, World Wrestling, Wrestlers Elite
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