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HIRED ASSASSIN LEAGUE |
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| BULLETIN #92 -- SPRING 2024 |
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| Card 1: Held in Fort Myers (Attendance: 2,912) |
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SOS/TWGWK: Allah Snackbar, Lord of the Snack Bar over Stink Boy in 1 at 7:37 (Disqualification: manager in ring).
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane annihilated Kevin "The Cardshark" Kings in 8 at 2:25 (Palm Strike) by 110.
TV title: SOS/TWGWK: "Reese's Brother" Ronald Rutledge defeated CURE: Hammer at 28:33 (Hit with Reesemart Chair) by 2.
SOS/TWGWK: Allah Snackbar, Lord of the Snack Bar tied CURE: "Under Contract" Anderson Silva at 1:36 (No Contest).
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane over Phil Dukes in 1 at 4:03 (Disqualification: tied opponent up).
COT: Super Ghost Machine beat CURE: Hammer at 27:25 (Devil Windmill Superplex) by 1.
COT: Shadow Machine, Order Machine, and Chaos Machine* won over Bob*, Duffy Wolfe, and Tim McCormick in 6 at 4:25 (Hammerlock) by 73.
Main event: CURE: Hammer beat SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume at 45:54 (DDT) by 1. |
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| Card 2: Held in Brooklyn (Attendance: 4,588) |
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EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane over Stink Boy in 1 at 9:26 (Disqualification: hit opponent with microphone).
SOS/TWGWK: Allah Snackbar, Lord of the Snack Bar bested Frank's Friend Kyle in 6 at 5:46 (Cross-Armbar) by 68.
SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume decked Fred Brown in 6 at 0:59 (Cross-Armbar) by 140 (non-title).
SOS/TWGWK: Allah Snackbar, Lord of the Snack Bar drew CURE: "Under Contract" Georges St-Pierre at 4:23 (Double Count Out).
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane defeated Mike Taylor in 6 at 4:23 (Shoulder Breaker) by 120.
COT: Jurassic Machine beat EDGE: Andrew Dice Clay at 21:09 (Jurassic Jawbuster) by 6 (Guest Referee: SOS/AI: The Spaceman).
COT: Super Ghost Machine, Jurassic Machine, and Mammoth Machine* pinned Bob*, Duffy Wolfe, and Tim McCormick in 6 at 5:03 (Hammerlock) by 73.
Main event: CURE: Hammer overpowered COT: Jurassic Machine at 31:16 (DDT) by 1. |
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| Card 3: Held in Seville (Attendance: 8,706) |
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CURE: "Under Contract" Georges St-Pierre over Stink Boy in 1 at 3:51 (Disqualification: hidden spike).
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane annihilated Frank's Friend Kyle in 9 at 5:47 (Mounted Punches) by 92.
SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume bested Outlaw Ben Slick in 6 at 4:02 (Cross-Armbar) by 106 (non-title).
COT: Order Machine annihilated SOS/TWGWK: Allah Snackbar, Lord of the Snack Bar at 29:08 (Order of Magnitude) by 1.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane annihilated Fred Brown in 6 at 1:42 (Shoulder Breaker) by 135.
Central Plains title: CURE: Hammer decked COT: Jurassic Machine at 28:08 (DDT) by 1.
COT: Shadow Machine, Order Machine, and Chaos Machine* defeated Martin Dean, Fred Brown, and Outlaw Ben Slick* in 6 at 3:05 (Hammerlock) by 87.
Main event: SOS/TWGWK: Siena Savings, Official Spokeswoman won over CURE: Hammer at 34:11 (Smash with Reesemart Microphone) by 3. |
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| Card 4: Held in Antwerp (Attendance: 3,520) |
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SOS/TWGWK: Allah Snackbar, Lord of the Snack Bar destroyed Bob in 6 at 4:49 (Cross-Armbar) by 70.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane defeated Al the Hacksaw in 6 at 3:53 (Shoulder Breaker) by 78.
SOS/TWGWK: Allah Snackbar, Lord of the Snack Bar beat Peter Lawler in 6 at 5:20 (Cross-Armbar) by 93.
SOS/TWGWK: Allah Snackbar, Lord of the Snack Bar over EDGE: The Bishop in 13 at 23:00 (Count Out) (non-title).
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane decked Duffy Wolfe in 6 at 4:30 (Shoulder Breaker) by 103.
Great Lakes title: COT: Mammoth Machine over IMT/AR15: We Are In This Together in 14 at 2:24 (Count Out).
COT: Super Ghost Machine, Jurassic Machine, and Mammoth Machine* destroyed Martin Dean, Fred Brown, and Outlaw Ben Slick* in 6 at 6:00 (Hammerlock) by 87.
Main event: SOS/TWGWK: Siena Savings, Official Spokeswoman annihilated IMT/AR15: We Are In This Together at 28:03 (Smash with Reesemart Microphone) by 22. |
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| Card 5: Held in Vancouver (Attendance: 8,034) |
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EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane overpowered Bob in 6 at 5:29 (Shoulder Breaker) by 65.
IMT/AR15: Virtue Signaling Male Karen the 13th defeated CURE: "Under Contract" BJ Penn at 29:20 (Rules For Thee Not Me) by 4.
SOS/TWGWK: Allah Snackbar, Lord of the Snack Bar over Jimmy Roth in 1 at 4:09 (Disqualification: loaded elbow pad).
SOS/TWGWK: Store Greeter Frank Friendly drew COT: Jurassic Machine at 6:33 (Double Disqualification).
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane defeated Curt Gold in 6 at 4:15 (Shoulder Breaker) by 80.
COT: Order Machine drew CURE: Hammer at 5:14 (No Contest).
TV Six-man titles: IMT/AR15: We Are In This Together, The New Normal*, and Virtue Signaling Male Karen the 13th won over Martin Dean, Fred Brown, and Outlaw Ben Slick* in 6 at 1:33 (Hammerlock) by 87.
Main event: SOS/TWGWK: Siena Savings, Official Spokeswoman decked IMT/AR15: The New Normal at 52:29 (Smash with Reesemart Microphone) by 3. |
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| Card 6: Held in the Bronx (Attendance: 5,136) |
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CURE: Hammer destroyed Bob in 6 at 6:14 (Headbutt) by 67 (non-title).
Pacific Northwest title: SOS/TWGWK: Allah Snackbar, Lord of the Snack Bar won over CURE: "Under Contract" Max Holloway at 29:26 (Bonk with Reesemart Skillet) by 1.
SOS/TWGWK: Allah Snackbar, Lord of the Snack Bar pinned Steve Shields in 6 at 3:43 (Cross-Armbar) by 103.
SOS/TWGWK: Store Greeter Frank Friendly over IMT/AR15: We Are In This Together in 8 at 10:44 (Count Out).
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane destroyed Charlie Ford in 6 at 2:52 (Shoulder Breaker) by 110.
CURE: Hammer destroyed EDGE: Andrew Dice Clay at 17:11 (DDT) by 7.
IMT/AR15: Elrodhausen, Flatten the Curve*, and He-Man Most Powerful Man in the Universe outmuscled Frank N. Stein, K-Dog, and Foreman Frank* at 7:14 (Wuhan Flu Clutch) by 41.
Main event: SOS/TWGWK: Siena Savings, Official Spokeswoman overpowered IMT/AR15: Virtue Signaling Male Karen the 13th at 38:41 (Smash with Reesemart Microphone) by 4. |
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| Card 7: Held in Zurich (Attendance: 3,238) |
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EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane beat Wally Brick at 1:29 (RV is Toast) by 136.
CURE: "Under Contract" Max Holloway decked Jimmy Roth in 6 at 4:17 (Crescent Kick) by 77.
SOS/TWGWK: Allah Snackbar, Lord of the Snack Bar over Phil Dukes in 1 at 4:19 (Disqualification: refused to break choke).
IMT/AR15: The New Normal overpowered SOS/TWGWK: Store Greeter Frank Friendly at 29:24 (Follow Your Mandates) by 1.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane defeated Dr. Blank in 6 at 2:07 (Shoulder Breaker) by 103.
IMT/AR15: Virtue Signaling Male Karen the 13th won over EDGE: Martin the Fly Brundle at 29:10 (Rules For Thee Not Me) by 2.
IMT/AR15: We Are In This Together, The New Normal, and Virtue Signaling Male Karen the 13th* annihilated CURE: "Under Contract" Max Holloway, "Under Contract" Anderson Silva, and "Under Contract" Georges St-Pierre* at 16:43 (Rules For Thee Not Me) by 12.
Main event: SOS/TWGWK: Siena Savings, Official Spokeswoman defeated CURE: "Under Contract" Max Holloway at 44:26 (Smash with Reesemart Microphone) by 5. |
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| Card 8: Held in Rangoon (Attendance: 9,865) |
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SOS/TWGWK: Man in Burreeseto Costume overpowered Martin Dean in 6 at 2:10 (Cross-Armbar) by 86 (non-title).
CURE: "Under Contract" Max Holloway defeated EDGE: Martin the Fly Brundle at 28:18 (Superplex) by 1.
SOS/TWGWK: Allah Snackbar, Lord of the Snack Bar overpowered Mike Taylor in 6 at 1:42 (Cross-Armbar) by 125.
SOS/TWGWK: Siena Savings, Official Spokeswoman decked Fred Brown in 6 at 0:34 (Cross-Armbar) by 140.
CURE: "Under Contract" Anderson Silva decked Dr. Blank in 6 at 3:05 (Hammerlock) by 109.
CURE: Hammer outmuscled EDGE: 976-EVIL at 29:44 (DDT) by 2.
IMT/AR15: We Are In This Together, The New Normal, and Virtue Signaling Male Karen the 13th* annihilated COT: Shadow Machine*, Order Machine, and Chaos Machine at 28:17 (Rules For Thee Not Me) by 1.
Main event: SOS/TWGWK: Siena Savings, Official Spokeswoman over EDGE: The Bishop in 11 at 8:35 (Count Out). |
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| Card 9: Held in Lexington (Attendance: 9,559) |
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SOS/TWGWK: Allah Snackbar, Lord of the Snack Bar outmuscled Martin Dean in 6 at 5:02 (Cross-Armbar) by 86.
CURE: "Under Contract" Max Holloway decked IMT/AR15: Flatten the Curve at 18:19 (Superplex) by 10.
SOS/TWGWK: Allah Snackbar, Lord of the Snack Bar decked Fred Brown in 6 at 0:33 (Cross-Armbar) by 140.
SOS/TWGWK: Siena Savings, Official Spokeswoman decked EDGE: Bloodsport Frank Dux at 23:38 (Smash with Reesemart Microphone) by 8.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane defeated Tim McCormick in 6 at 4:54 (Shoulder Breaker) by 92.
CURE: Hammer over IMT/AR15: We Are In This Together in 14 at 10:48 (Count Out) (non-title).
League Six-man titles: COT: Super Ghost Machine*, Jurassic Machine, and Mammoth Machine pinned IMT/AR15: We Are In This Together, The New Normal, and Virtue Signaling Male Karen the 13th* at 28:55 (Doomsday Device) by 1.
Main event: SOS/TWGWK: Siena Savings, Official Spokeswoman pinned COT: Order Machine at 48:03 (Smash with Reesemart Microphone) by 3. |
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| Card 10: Held in Tehran (Attendance: 8,028) |
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SOS/TWGWK: Siena Savings, Official Spokeswoman destroyed Martin Dean in 6 at 6:28 (Cross-Armbar) by 86.
EDGE: Robert the Mega Murderer Chambers decked IMT/AR15: We Are In This Together at 15:21 (The Preppy Killer) by 13.
SOS/TWGWK: Allah Snackbar, Lord of the Snack Bar bested Duffy Wolfe in 6 at 2:44 (Cross-Armbar) by 108.
SOS/TWGWK: Siena Savings, Official Spokeswoman won over EDGE: 976-EVIL at 27:23 (Smash with Reesemart Microphone) by 5.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane pinned Dandy Davis in 6 at 2:50 (Shoulder Breaker) by 74.
IMT/AR15: The New Normal drew CURE: Hammer at 3:21 (No Contest).
Main event: SOS/TWGWK: Siena Savings, Official Spokeswoman destroyed CURE: "Under Contract" Georges St-Pierre at 43:06 (Smash with Reesemart Microphone) by 4. |
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| Card 11: Held in Franklin Township (Attendance: 9,823) |
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EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane won over Martin Dean in 6 at 1:31 (Shoulder Breaker) by 81.
CURE: Hammer decked EDGE: Robert the Mega Murderer Chambers at 24:38 (DDT) by 6 (Guest Referee: Mr. 1-2-3).
SOS/TWGWK: Allah Snackbar, Lord of the Snack Bar won over Curt Gold in 6 at 3:00 (Cross-Armbar) by 85.
SOS/TWGWK: Siena Savings, Official Spokeswoman decked CURE: Hammer at 28:54 (Smash with Reesemart Microphone) by 3 (non-title).
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane annihilated Outlaw Ben Slick in 6 at 3:00 (Shoulder Breaker) by 101.
CURE: Hammer outmuscled IMT/AR15: Virtue Signaling Male Karen the 13th at 27:33 (DDT) by 1 (non-title).
Main event: SOS/TWGWK: Siena Savings, Official Spokeswoman destroyed CURE: "Under Contract" Anderson Silva at 45:09 (Smash with Reesemart Microphone) by 4. |
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| Card 12: Held in Stow (Attendance: 7,131) |
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SOS/TWGWK: Allah Snackbar, Lord of the Snack Bar destroyed The Fishy Fisherman in 6 at 7:11 (Cross-Armbar) by 65.
COT: Jurassic Machine defeated SOS/TWGWK: Deathmatch Danielle from HR at 27:37 (Jurassic Jawbuster) by 1.
SOS/TWGWK: Allah Snackbar, Lord of the Snack Bar decked Charlie Ford in 6 at 1:16 (Cross-Armbar) by 115.
SOS/TWGWK: Siena Savings, Official Spokeswoman annihilated COT: Chaos Machine at 27:22 (Smash with Reesemart Microphone) by 4.
IMT/AR15: The New Normal beat EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane at 29:00 (Follow Your Mandates) by 4.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane and Martin the Fly Brundle* outmuscled COT: Shadow Machine* and Order Machine at 27:29 (Fly Trap) by 4.
Main event: SOS/TWGWK: Siena Savings, Official Spokeswoman won over CURE: "Under Contract" BJ Penn at 21:50 (Smash with Reesemart Microphone) by 8. |
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| Card 13: Held in Washington, D.C. (Attendance: 5,302) |
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EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane beat The Fishy Fisherman in 8 at 3:19 (Palm Strike) by 101.
SOS/TWGWK: Deathmatch Danielle from HR over IMT/AR15: We Are In This Together in 11 at 4:29 (Count Out).
SOS/TWGWK: Allah Snackbar, Lord of the Snack Bar pinned Dr. Blank in 6 at 3:49 (Cross-Armbar) by 108.
COT: Jurassic Machine defeated CURE: "Under Contract" Quentin Jackson at 29:10 (Jurassic Jawbuster) by 1.
CURE: Hammer destroyed EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane at 29:50 (DDT) by 4.
COT: Shadow Machine* and Order Machine pinned CURE: "Under Contract" Anderson Silva and "Under Contract" Georges St-Pierre* at 22:59 (Spike Piledriver) by 6 (Guest Referee: Stink Man).
Main event: SOS/TWGWK: Siena Savings, Official Spokeswoman beat EDGE: Andrew Dice Clay at 27:33 (Smash with Reesemart Microphone) by 10. |
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| Card 14: Held in Shannon (Attendance: 2,268) |
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SOS/TWGWK: Allah Snackbar, Lord of the Snack Bar destroyed "Burnout Boy" Bobby Baker in 9 at 1:13 (Shoulder Breaker) by 136.
CURE: Hammer destroyed SOS/TWGWK: Deathmatch Danielle from HR at 27:46 (DDT) by 2.
SOS/TWGWK: Allah Snackbar, Lord of the Snack Bar destroyed Tim McCormick in 6 at 4:59 (Cross-Armbar) by 97.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane defeated Peter Lawler in 6 at 5:08 (Shoulder Breaker) by 88.
CURE: Hammer pinned EDGE: Bloodsport Frank Dux at 27:39 (DDT) by 5.
COT: Shadow Machine* and Order Machine pinned IMT/AR15: Elrodhausen and Flatten the Curve* at 28:50 (Spike Piledriver) by 5.
Main event: SOS/TWGWK: Siena Savings, Official Spokeswoman won over EDGE: Bloodsport Frank Dux at 20:19 (Smash with Reesemart Microphone) by 8. |
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| Card 15: Held in Maidstone (Attendance: 6,297) |
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EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane beat "Burnout Boy" Bobby Baker in 9 at 1:28 (Mounted Punches) by 131.
SOS/TWGWK: "Reese's Brother" Ronald Rutledge won over IMT/AR15: The New Normal at 29:45 (Hit with Reesemart Chair) by 2 (non-title).
SOS/TWGWK: Allah Snackbar, Lord of the Snack Bar won over Dandy Davis in 6 at 2:55 (Cross-Armbar) by 79.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane over Jimmy Roth in 1 at 6:59 (Disqualification: used brass knuckles).
Mid-Atlantic title: COT: Shadow Machine decked IMT/AR15: The New Normal at 27:34 (Shadowban) by 1.
COT: Jurassic Machine and Mammoth Machine* destroyed COT: Shadow Machine* and Order Machine at 29:42 (Prehistoric Eye Gouge) by 5.
Main event: SOS/TWGWK: Siena Savings, Official Spokeswoman outmuscled EDGE: Robert the Mega Murderer Chambers at 30:52 (Smash with Reesemart Microphone) by 9. |
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| Card 16: Held in Kokomo (Attendance: 6,319) |
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SOS/TWGWK: Allah Snackbar, Lord of the Snack Bar won over Kevin "The Cardshark" Kings in 6 at 5:54 (Cross-Armbar) by 82.
SOS/TWGWK: "Reese's Brother" Ronald Rutledge annihilated IMT/AR15: Virtue Signaling Male Karen the 13th at 27:10 (Hit with Reesemart Chair) by 3 (non-title).
SOS/TWGWK: Allah Snackbar, Lord of the Snack Bar decked Outlaw Ben Slick in 6 at 1:39 (Cross-Armbar) by 106.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane decked Steve Shields in 6 at 3:28 (Shoulder Breaker) by 98.
CURE: Hammer bested IMT/AR15: Elrodhausen at 21:06 (DDT) by 6 (Guest Referee: LOTR: Violator).
League Tag-team titles: EDGE: Martin the Fly Brundle* and 976-EVIL won over COT: Shadow Machine* and Order Machine at 28:25 (Fly Trap) by 5.
Main event: SOS/TWGWK: Siena Savings, Official Spokeswoman destroyed EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane at 30:43 (Smash with Reesemart Microphone) by 7. |
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| Battle Royal: Held in Compton (Attendance: 3,911) |
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EDGE: Martin the Fly Brundle gained $1,000 after being thrown out by EDGE: 976-EVIL.
COT: Chaos Machine was paid an imaginary $1,100 when CURE: Hammer flipped him out.
CURE: "Under Contract" BJ Penn pocketed a quick $1,200 in imaginary earnings after being catapulted out of the ring by EDGE: Robert the Mega Murderer Chambers.
COT: Jurassic Machine got $1,300 when COT: Mammoth Machine threw him onto the announcer's table.
COT: Mammoth Machine pocketed $1,400 when he got flung outside the ring by COT: Order Machine.
CURE: Hammer was paid $1,500 when CURE: "Under Contract" Georges St-Pierre tossed him out.
COT: Order Machine made $1,600 when EDGE: 976-EVIL catapulted him into his manager at ringside.
EDGE: Andrew Dice Clay collected $1,700 after COT: Super Ghost Machine threw him between the ropes.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane snatched $1,800 after he got thrown out by EDGE: 976-EVIL.
COT: Super Ghost Machine took $1,900 when he got thrown into some chairs at ringside by COT: Shadow Machine.
EDGE: Robert the Mega Murderer Chambers was given $2,000 when EDGE: Bloodsport Frank Dux threw him between the ropes.
CURE: "Under Contract" Georges St-Pierre received $2,100 after getting thrown out by EDGE: Bloodsport Frank Dux.
COT: Shadow Machine was awarded a cool $2,200 when he got tossed into the audience by EDGE: Bloodsport Frank Dux.
EDGE: Bloodsport Frank Dux won $2,300 after EDGE: 976-EVIL hurled him out.
EDGE: 976-EVIL was the winner of the battle royal and the $30,000 prize. |
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