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HIRED ASSASSIN LEAGUE |
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| BULLETIN #131 -- AUGUST 2026 |
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| Card 1: Held in Sioux Falls (Attendance: 998) |
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EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane over Stink Boy in 2 at 5:06 (Disqualification: hit opponent with microphone).
VIRUS: "Under Contract" Max Holloway drew SOS: The Zombie Prince at 1:53 (Double Disqualification).
SOS: The Zombie Princess overpowered IMT/67: We Are In This Together at 27:12 (Brainbuster) by 2.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane defeated Dr. Blank in 6 at 3:13 (Flying Dropkick) by 98.
IMT/67: We Are In This Together destroyed VIRUS: "Under Contract" Georges St-Pierre at 29:49 (The Cycle of Death) by 2.
Main event: SOS: The Zombie Court Jester defeated SOS: The Zombie Princess at 56:08 (Brainbuster) by 2. |
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| Card 2: Held in Opa-locka (Attendance: 803) |
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EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane decked Stink Man in 10 at 1:53 (Shoulder Breaker) by 99.
EDGE: Robert the Mega Murderer Chambers annihilated SOS: The Zombie Princess at 29:01 (The Preppy Killer) by 1.
IMT/67: The New Normal bested SOS: The Zombie Princess at 29:17 (Point Flow Passport) by 1.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane annihilated Tim McCormick in 6 at 2:24 (Flying Dropkick) by 90.
Mid-Atlantic title: EDGE: Andrew Dice Clay bested IMT/67: The New Normal at 29:22 (Pimp Slap) by 3.
Main event: SOS: The Zombie Court Jester bested IMT/67: Ching Chong Jones at 56:11 (Brainbuster) by 1. |
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| Card 3: Held in Columbia (Attendance: 821) |
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EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane defeated Bob in 6 at 4:27 (Flying Dropkick) by 74.
SOS: The Zombie Princess destroyed VIRUS: "Under Contract" Quentin Jackson at 28:50 (Brainbuster) by 3.
SOS: The Zombie Princess bested IMT/67: Flatten the Curve at 28:23 (Brainbuster) by 5.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane pinned Dandy Davis in 6 at 4:56 (Flying Dropkick) by 88.
Rocky Mountains title: SOS: The Zombie Prince pinned IMT/67: We Are In This Together at 29:35 (Brainbuster) by 4.
Main event: SOS: The Zombie Court Jester outmuscled EDGE: Robert the Mega Murderer Chambers at 48:06 (Brainbuster) by 1. |
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| Card 4: Held in Yorkshire (Attendance: 451) |
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EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane overpowered Wally Brick in 12 at 0:34 (Scorpion Deathlock) by 142.
SOS: The Zombie Princess destroyed Fred Brown in 6 at 0:27 (Crescent Kick) by 129 (non-title).
EDGE: Robert the Mega Murderer Chambers defeated IMT/67: Virtue Signaling Male Karen the 13th at 28:35 (The Preppy Killer) by 2.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane pinned Outlaw Ben Slick in 6 at 1:54 (Flying Dropkick) by 99.
IMT/67: Ching Chong Jones and Flatten the Curve* destroyed "Burnout Boy" Bobby Baker* and Fred Brown in 6 at 4:51 (Fallaway Slam) by 94.
Main event: EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane drew SOS: The Zombie Court Jester (Time Limit). |
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| Card 5: Held in Mobile (Attendance: 423) |
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EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane decked The Fishy Fisherman in 6 at 7:29 (Flying Dropkick) by 61.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane annihilated SOS: The Zombie Princess at 29:47 (RV is Toast) by 2.
SOS: The Zombie Knight bested VIRUS: "Under Contract" Quentin Jackson at 24:16 (Brainbuster) by 6.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane bested Professor Wrassle in 6 at 2:22 (Flying Dropkick) by 101.
IMT/67: Ching Chong Jones* and Flatten the Curve beat VIRUS: "Under Contract" Quentin Jackson and "Under Contract" Anderson Silva* at 27:20 (#1 A-1 Chinese Wok) by 4.
Main event: SOS: The Zombie Court Jester outmuscled IMT/67: The New Normal at 46:03 (Brainbuster) by 1. |
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| Card 6: Held in Hartford (Attendance: 480) |
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EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane beat Bruce Vanquish at 5:13 (RV is Toast) by 99.
SOS: The Zombie Princess tied EDGE: Bloodsport Frank Dux (Time Limit).
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane over Peter Lawler in 1 at 5:49 (Disqualification: used belt to hit opponent).
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane defeated Henry O. in 6 at 2:03 (Flying Dropkick) by 106.
IMT/67: Ching Chong Jones* and Flatten the Curve annihilated COT: Super Ghost Machine* and Mammoth Machine in 8 at 16:22 (Hammerlock) by 13.
Main event: VIRUS: "Under Contract" Anderson Silva drew SOS: The Zombie Court Jester (Time Limit). |
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| Card 7: Held in Madison (Attendance: 337) |
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EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane won over Neil B. Formee in 6 at 4:37 (Flying Dropkick) by 59.
SOS: The Zombie Knight destroyed SOS: The Zombie Princess at 27:09 (Brainbuster) by 3.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane over Jimmy Roth in 2 at 5:26 (Count Out).
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane destroyed VIRUS: Hammer at 17:41 (RV is Toast) by 9.
IMT/67: We Are In This Together, The New Normal, and Virtue Signaling Male Karen the 13th* decked Stink Man, Wally Brick, and The Greater Cheese Grater* in 6 at 9:18 (Palm Strike) by 49.
Main event: SOS: The Zombie Knight overpowered SOS: The Zombie Court Jester at 38:39 (Brainbuster) by 1. |
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| Card 8: Held in Waco (Attendance: 368) |
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EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane outmuscled "Burnout Boy" Bobby Baker in 9 at 0:54 (Hammerlock) by 139.
West Coast title: SOS: The Zombie Princess overpowered SOS: The Zombie King at 29:31 (Brainbuster) by 1.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane defeated Steve Shields in 6 at 3:04 (Flying Dropkick) by 121.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane drew SOS: The Zombie Prince at 1:48 (No Contest).
IMT/67: We Are In This Together*, The New Normal, and Virtue Signaling Male Karen the 13th won over COT: Shadow Machine, Jurassic Machine, and Mammoth Machine* in 8 at 10:22 (Fallaway Slam) by 11.
Main event: SOS: The Zombie Knight beat IMT/67: We Are In This Together at 40:08 (Brainbuster) by 5. |
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| Card 9: Held in Tijuana (Attendance: 289) |
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EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane won over The Greater Cheese Grater at 0:38 (RV is Toast) by 109.
SOS: The Zombie Queen pinned SOS: The Zombie Princess at 29:33 (Brainbuster) by 5 (non-title).
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane won over Phil Dukes in 6 at 6:27 (Flying Dropkick) by 79.
IMT/67: Ching Chong Jones overpowered EDGE: Bloodsport Frank Dux at 29:40 (#1 A-1 Chinese Wok) by 1.
Main event: SOS: The Zombie Queen annihilated SOS: The Zombie Knight at 59:50 (Brainbuster) by 2. |
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| Card 10: Held in Bangkok (Attendance: 424) |
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EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane bested "Clever" Cliff Cleaver at 1:06 (RV is Toast) by 136.
VIRUS: "Under Contract" Anderson Silva defeated SOS: The Zombie Princess at 28:48 (Boston Crab) by 2.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane overpowered Mike Taylor in 6 at 0:59 (Flying Dropkick) by 115.
SOS: The Zombie Knight tied EDGE: Martin the Fly Brundle at 3:07 (Double Count Out).
Main event: SOS: The Zombie Queen pinned VIRUS: "Under Contract" Max Holloway at 31:54 (Brainbuster) by 3. |
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| Card 11: Held in Seoul (Attendance: 923) |
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EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane pinned Kevin "The Cardshark" Kings in 6 at 7:08 (Flying Dropkick) by 68.
IMT/67: Ching Chong Jones won over SOS: The Zombie Princess at 27:19 (#1 A-1 Chinese Wok) by 1.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane over Fred Brown in 1 at 28:38 (Count Out).
SOS: The Zombie King pinned VIRUS: "Under Contract" Georges St-Pierre at 28:47 (Brainbuster) by 3.
Main event: SOS: The Zombie Queen beat SOS: The Zombie King at 34:20 (Brainbuster) by 6. |
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| Card 12: Held in Cleveland (Attendance: 278) |
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EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane over Frank's Friend Kyle in 1 at 1:52 (Disqualification: hit opponent with microphone).
COT: Super Ghost Machine beat SOS: The Zombie Princess at 27:12 (Thumb to the Elrod) by 5.
SOS: The Zombie Court Jester defeated Fred Brown in 6 at 2:29 (Crescent Kick) by 129 (non-title).
SOS: The Zombie King won over IMT/67: Flatten the Curve at 29:02 (Brainbuster) by 4.
Main event: SOS: The Zombie Queen beat IMT/67: Flatten the Curve at 15:19 (Brainbuster) by 10. |
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| Card 13: Held in Heidelberg (Attendance: 758) |
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EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane over Al the Hacksaw in 2 at 2:52 (Disqualification: loaded elbow pad).
COT: Mammoth Machine decked SOS: The Zombie Princess at 28:01 (Mammoth Thumb to the Eye) by 2.
COT: Mammoth Machine annihilated Fred Brown in 6 at 1:20 (Shoulder Breaker) by 129.
SOS: The Zombie Queen beat VIRUS: Hammer at 18:01 (Brainbuster) by 12.
Main event: SOS: The Zombie Queen won over EDGE: Bloodsport Frank Dux at 42:20 (Brainbuster) by 5. |
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| Card 14: Held in Manchester (Attendance: 562) |
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VIRUS: "Under Contract" BJ Penn annihilated SOS: The Zombie Princess at 28:55 (Brainbuster) by 1.
EDGE: Andrew Dice Clay defeated SOS: The Zombie Princess at 28:50 (Pimp Slap) by 4.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane overpowered Duffy Wolfe in 6 at 2:29 (Flying Dropkick) by 101.
EDGE: 976-EVIL overpowered VIRUS: "Under Contract" Anderson Silva at 27:27 (Evil Calls) by 3 (non-title).
Main event: SOS: The Zombie Queen pinned EDGE: Andrew Dice Clay at 28:22 (Brainbuster) by 1. |
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| Card 15: Held in Belgrade (Attendance: 841) |
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VIRUS: "Under Contract" BJ Penn tied IMT/67: The New Normal at 5:44 (Double Disqualification).
EDGE: Martin the Fly Brundle pinned SOS: The Zombie Princess at 27:22 (Fly Trap) by 3.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane pinned Curt Gold in 6 at 4:28 (Flying Dropkick) by 84.
VIRUS: "Under Contract" Anderson Silva bested IMT/67: Virtue Signaling Male Karen the 13th at 28:00 (Boston Crab) by 3.
Main event: COT: Super Ghost Machine drew SOS: The Zombie Queen (Time Limit). |
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| Card 16: Held in Arlington (Attendance: 404) |
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VIRUS: "Under Contract" Max Holloway defeated SOS: The Zombie Princess at 29:37 (Boston Crab) by 2.
TV title: EDGE: 976-EVIL bested SOS: The Zombie Princess at 29:45 (Evil Calls) by 5.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane overpowered Charlie Ford in 6 at 4:26 (Flying Dropkick) by 117.
IMT/67: Ching Chong Jones bested Gary El Gordo in 6 at 2:15 (Flying Dropkick) by 96.
Main event: SOS: The Zombie Queen destroyed COT: Mammoth Machine at 55:43 (Brainbuster) by 3. |
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| Interleague Matches |
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The New Age: Marshall Von Erich (NBL) pinned FREEDOM FUNZION: Jeremy "Kane" Potvin (HAL) at 27:58 (The VE-5) by 3.
Flex Lewis (HAL) defeated Taz the Mobster Jr. (NBL) at 29:36 (The Flex Cuttor) by 4. |
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| Battle Royal: Held in Hammond (Attendance: 690) |
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VIRUS: Hammer received $1,000 after EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane threw him outside the ring.
VIRUS: "Under Contract" Anderson Silva nabbed $1,100 when EDGE: Robert the Mega Murderer Chambers flung him out of the ring.
VIRUS: "Under Contract" Georges St-Pierre collected $1,200 after EDGE: Martin the Fly Brundle hurled him over the turnbuckle.
VIRUS: "Under Contract" BJ Penn won $1,300 when EDGE: 976-EVIL flipped him into his manager at ringside.
VIRUS: "Under Contract" Max Holloway earned $1,400 after he was flung out by VIRUS: "Under Contract" Quentin Jackson.
VIRUS: "Under Contract" Quentin Jackson made $1,500 in imaginary money after EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane flung him out.
EDGE: Bloodsport Frank Dux collected $1,600 after he got tossed out by EDGE: Robert the Mega Murderer Chambers.
EDGE: Robert the Mega Murderer Chambers got a quick $1,700 after EDGE: Martin the Fly Brundle flung him into some fans at ringside.
EDGE: Mr. Diehard John McClane received $1,800 after being thrown into the audience by EDGE: Andrew Dice Clay.
EDGE: Martin the Fly Brundle snatched $1,900 after getting flung onto the concrete floor by EDGE: Andrew Dice Clay.
EDGE: Andrew Dice Clay was given $2,000 when EDGE: 976-EVIL flung him over the top rope.
EDGE: 976-EVIL was the winner of the HAL battle royal and the $30,000 prize. |
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